this morning, before the sun a woke, i stirred with in my cabin to the sound of rain drops upon my roof. the beauty of this stillness in the quiet before dawn quickly settled my heart. for, only a few hours earlier, i had drifted toward a restless sleep that left me aching for answers i knew i had to be patient on. and, the anxiety that comes, from not knowing... well, that can be hard to ignore some times. so, this night, sleep did not come easy but it did eventually as here i was : waking, now.
and, in the solitude of my cabin i felt the dawn of hope as the water cleansed my heart. for, lately, i have tested the boundaries of promise and expectation and to say i survived is a triumph in it's self. i rode my hopes to the edge of my sanity and probably scared a few people through the process.. but it was something that had to be done. if for no other reason than to see if it could be i suppose. which is truly what this whole endeavor is about... for, i have dreams, a life time of dreams, that i have all ways believed to be possible to achieve. and, in the life that held me previously, i never had the chance to truly explore them. all ways i was locked down by a relationship or a lease or employment and the postponement of the things that truly mattered to me daily broke my heart. each night i laid in bed wishfully thinking about the day that i could wake and pursue all i dreamed of. and then i'd enter my dreamless sleep where i would only rejuvinate e nuff to handle the following day's expectations. and, this was the cycle i found my self in. the cycle that, truly, left me miserable. so, as hard as it was and, let me tell you, it was difficult... i cut the attachments, i said some difficult good byes, and i took the greatest leap of faith i have ever known in this life. my budget is low and my knowledge of the areas i venture in to is very scarce. typically when i enter a town i know no one and, truly, this is the test. will the universe provide me with the opportunity to meet success even when every obstacle, in most definition, is pillared against me? and, the answer? well, so far, it's been : Yes.
and, truth fully, that has surprised me. in fact, i think i've become addicted to testing out this fact because i honestly can not believe the result. but, every time i think i've hit the bottom, every time i believe i am lost and do not know where or how i will be picked up again, i only have to wait a short period of time before a choice person is found or an ideal situation is met.
to say this experience has restored my faith in humanity would be an understatement... last night i shared dinner with a new friend who complained that here, in America, if a person were to knock on a hundred doors they would be lucky if they were welcomed in and fed by one. in his opinion/belief, about twenty of those people would call the cops out of fear for their safety. he was angered because, in his experience, in other countries every home, every person, would do what they could to help without too many questions. the difference, to him, was the fact that in other countries people still recognize the fact of human suffering and will do whatever they can to help to eleviate it. he was very bitter that such would not be the case here.
i will admit that, a year ago, i too thought like this. in a lot of ways i have experienced the selfishness of others and have taken some hard falls as the result of it. but, through these experiences i have come to realize it is just the natural result from the way we live in this society. we have come to value so strongly the independence of one that we cherish it above all else, thus harming our brother in order to try and reach success our self. but, in truth, the only way any of us can succeed is by working together. in order to survive and, even more so, to thrive, we need community. the commitment to work together is what carries us over time because it is impossible for us to be on the top in every moment. just like the moon, we cycle, and there are periods of both waxing and waning in our life. in time we will experience periods of growth and negligence and the presence of an other is what allows us the opportunity for balance. other cultures that have held on to the tradition of small community still realize this fact in an unspoken manner but the more we, the American society, influence the rest of the world the less this occurence tends to take place. but, thankfully, that too is changing as people realize the isolation and degradation they experience in living this way.. which was my point all a long. as my new friend complained about this very fact he himself was providing me with a meal, without my having to even ask. which has been my experience all along.. every where i go i am offered kindness before i can even think to ask for it. and, i do not know what it is exactly for, trust me.. i all ways aim to identify it. my only conclusion can be that the reason is be cause i am awake. every where i go i have my eyes open, i look a round, and i exchange a smile with whoever happens to be looking back my way. and, this casual exchange of open ness and acceptance, brings forth : opportunity. for, in truth, we all hunger for the welcoming of our spirit, for the gesture that begs who we are to come forth and say "hello" with a smile. in my opinion and experience that's truly what community and life is all about and i am so happy to finally be living it, life, in this way.
many blessings to you on this day,
MI
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