in these constant questions i ask my self, about life, about love, about endurance and commitment and truth there are few things that stay constant. especially the more i test my self.. but, in theory and practice, i continue to scratch the surface until i find enlightenment or the end. so, if i die, well... my love to all of you.
i have so many options of where i can go and who i can be. if i have learned any thing in this world it is that i can do and be any thing. and, i have done and been a lot of things as any one who knows me can stand testament. out of boredom i have to change pretty regularly ~ it's truly the only thing that can keep me sane in this world. i'm not sure if it's the chicken or the egg.. if i am constantly changing due to the fact that inconsistency is all i have ever known or if i am inconsistent because life is always changing. i definitely feel crazy and isolated as every one continues on their cycles and schedules around me, of that i am certain...
i know that my life experience has allowed me to be in a very unique situation and, my personality, well.. that has allowed me the ability to cope and articulate it i suppose. every where i go i meet people who want to hear the wisdom of a life lived to the bone. i've cut my self so close that the stark whiteness is blinding to most but, it brings them forward, like a moth. and here i sit with an audience.
i never liked attention. not ever.. but, every where i go, i get it. young and old, human and animal... there is an unavoidable attraction. for years and years i coward from it. i eat emotionally to gain weight to deter people from looking at me because men are inappropriate and women are mean, but even that didn't matter. i was almost two hundred pounds, fucking sick and ridiculous really, and still the attention came at me.
i have dressed frumpily. i have refused to wear makeup. i don't pluck my eyebrows and, half the time, my clothes are dirty. lately, i've been lucky to shower once a week and i brush my teeth in a corporate bathroom once a day. and still, every where i go, the looks keep coming. if i have my ear phones off, which is rare these days.., the words soon follow. and, it is exhausting... some times someone just needs to be alone. thank goodness for my car.
i love everyone and maybe that's the problem. i am ever present, maybe that's the problem.. who knows really... but, it's made me realize one thing that i have known for my entire life, i am supposed to do something in this spot light.
these words i have spent the majority of my life perfecting, well, i know they are a part. i have the first book complete and there are more to come. i know, in time, i will also be performing them but now is not yet the time..
i know the way i see the world and human nature also has a point. as most of you know, i've been a wellness life coach this year, and, still, i am working towards that non~profit. so many people i meet, every day if i want to, who can help me on these paths all over this state. so many people ready to come together if they only had a way...
so, i wander these paths, searching for one. for, i can only conclude that my level of nonattachment in this world is for a reason that i must utilize. it is very rare for a person to be outside the ties that holds them to one place, day after day after day. and, it is this cycle exactly that destroys us, day after day after day. and, i see it, on the faces of so many people that i meet. and, the liberation, they see it when they look back at me. and, i guess that's the exchange really that brings every one up to me. it's like i know a secret every one wants to be in on. but, the secret, it's not an easy one and it leaves me night after night after night A LONE.
and how many people can handle that?
few. very very few.
so i can only conclude that that is my purpose.
this whittling that i am doing, in my life, in this life, it is purpose full. i am determined to find a solution, a new way to living this life. one that creates harmony and community and perpetuates fulfillment rather than greed and waste. there is a way but it goes out side the way we do every thing now ... and that's where i am standing.
if i make it, i will carry us to the promised land.
and, if i don't, well please know i did it all out of love.
MI
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