A State of Infamy

Today I chew on the very real hate that gets projected on me and my little family. Raising three children is no easy feat in this world. I don’t leave them with friends and family. I don’t utilize day care or public school. I’ve embarked on this journey ultimately deciding to do it all my self. The struggle to forge a new way, a different way, is real. I’m not impressed by the status quo. I see a multitude of issues every way we could go. I’ve hunkered down and I’ve made this role my life’s work now.

It creates division - to say the very least. When once I lived my life by a creed to inspire I now find that the paths I choose are terrifying. What do you mean you just relax at home? How can you let your kids actually be individuals? Isn’t there more problems? 

Don’t get me wrong. This choice of life was intentional. I was married and it was horrible. All the things that should’ve been weren’t and all the worst things that could happen did. Except death. Once again I beat that.

- -

It’s funny to boomerang back to the beginning of this content. So free. So inspired. Life on the road. An open book to the world and to my self.

Most of these posts were written in coffee shops the bulk of which existed in So Cal. Encinitas to be exact. I was new to drinking coffee then. How I paid my cents for every refill. 

That was when I had an actual laptop. Plugged in. Connected to a password for their Wi-Fi. Starbucks most often.

How this world has changed. 

Life Progresses

It’s bizarre to revisit these things and note the time stamps. So many crumbs I have left for my self through this existence all ways to return as the moment occurs to resume my missions. People make themselves known through the judgment and insults. It’s clear who knows me and those who don’t.

I never dwell too long on those who so objectively attempt to diminish me. The main thing life has taught me is how strong and resilient we humans actually are.

I don’t wait too long for people to show they stand beside me. I’ve learned to shrug off the shitting and stabbing that metaphorically occur on a regular basis. I play in the field of energy and hold my bounds like the deft and whimsical player this life has required. I do all I can every moment to teach my kids this knowledge.

I am not sure entirely where I will be in this inter webs but I shall continue here consistently and solemnly. It is a vow I took long ago here. I know who sees and I thank you for being. 

Namaste 

The Return

To summarize the things experienced is an impossibility I can only aim for but I will give it my best for the rest of my life which I hope is a long time. 

I smell of urine. It isn’t mine. I already washed twice. The bedding in the bags was soaked. I barely opened one out of suspect. This is an increasingly alarming scenario. 

I noticed the bags first in the makeshift pen a few days ago. The first were clothes. I assume Kyle’s. Today there was one pink Hanna’s Las Vegas shirt at the end. Today, when I came to clean up more, it was the beheaded and bent over “Barbie” I noticed as the first article as I cleared away the garbage. I left. I debated reporting it. They’ve stopped showing up when I call in.  I imagine there’s plenty of DNA evidence for what… this kid? 

Over the years I wondered what happened when Kyle was gone. I had my suspicions but no never evidence. Not until I provided him a home, children, cars, money and prosperity… then the unthinkable started to happen. At first it was just domestic violence. Then it was drugs. Sprinkle in things missing and strippers. Only after I left did I learn about casinos. 

Truly tho it was leaving the home. At first it was just the only option but slowly, with each arrest and exposure, a very clear picture came into focus. This is my fourth time now, here, in my family’s last home.

Such desecration. At least it’s not me and my children in whatever this image is of what happened now. 

It's Funny. Life. Thirty Years. All This Experience. To Get To : Here.

It makes sense. Every lesson. Every Decision.
Every Action.

I've lived. I've known a lot of people that have not. Many that have killed them selves, in one way or the other.

I value life. I all ways have. I struggled, from the beginning, to survive it.

It's Insulting. People. What They Think. How They Judge. But, I know, I Know Why.
I was around for all of it.

I began studying Psychology when I was a child. Reading. Reading was all ways my escape.

Before Writing.

I read better than most people. Great novels in literature that most have yet to thumb through.

And,
I was ten.

Eight.
Seven.

I wanted to understand people. I had met so many! Between my mother and my step father and my grand parents and all the people they knew ~ there were all ways people.

I was quiet. Perceptive. A wonderful listener and observer. It was unquestionable that Psychology was in my future.

Text Books. Libraries. I was addicted. There was no internet. No computer. I had to sneak to use the phone. But, encyclopedias... I was all ways friends with those.

I absorbed knowledge. I wanted to understand how, and why, people did all the fucked up things I saw them do. Drugs. A lot of drugs. It took me years before I was ever brave enough to test you.

I watched the down fall. The way people just gave up on each other. The way they gave up on their self. How they'd rather just sit there, saying negative things, rather than do something positive and pattern-changing. It was easy. To stay the same. And, it was nurtured, through the use of television.

I stood back. Cautious.

Food.
We have all ways had an interesting relationship. There were years where we were starving. My Sister. My Lovely Little Sister. I'd find her crouched under the table, like a mouse, with a stick of butter. Eating It. Whole. Bite By Bite, because she was starving. I saw the lack of food in our fridge and cupboards. That was before there were food stamps and before I started making money and shopping.

There were these neighbors. They were fat. Very Very Fat. They actually were quite far down the street. Where the run down places actually became houses. They had kids. A lot of them. And, the house was a mess. Mess is an understatement. It Was Atrocious. Now, there are shows. Television Shows. "Hoarders." They would've been : Hoarders. Clothes. Dirty Clothes. Every Where. Mountains. Bigger than I. We'd go there. My siblings and I. I'd Clean. I started to cook. Very Very Slowly. It was the only place we ate. That, and, GrandMa's...

Six.
I was Six.

We lived in Sonoma.

Mondays

Today I officially begin applying for jobs in Eureka. It's been a year and a half year since I last hunted. Got the first and only job I applied for. Lasted three days. Corporate. They wanted me for management. They all ways do. Quit the job before that just over two years ago. Everyone says, "Good Luck." Everyone always tells me to think twice before I decide to stop showing up. But I always find another. Money. Job. We are what we seek.

I'm Not.

Last night I watched as my two cats scaled the highest point of this house. It goes so high, so steep, I was frightened. Telling them to be careful from my window so much lower. Sliding... They're fine. Every Time. If you were there before you can get there again; I'm sure.

But I don't.

I think of all the money I've made. Some days up to $400 and $500; regularly. I think of the people I've helped and supported. I used to volunteer. Served two years in AmeriCorps. Blah Blah Blah. And what do I have to show for it? Cats. Two Cats. Isis & Osiris.

And they were acquired. How much I've invested in things and people to create this concept of a stable life I always lusted for. I think today about the past, again, and how in so many ways I was disadvantaged. I survived. That's what people don't realize. I even succeeded. But it was false. I wasn't happy. I didn't go to sleep feeling rewarded. It wasn't real. So, I let it fall. Piece by Piece. Until the whole thing came a part and all I was left with was my self. With no more glamour or pre-conceived success it was the ultimate test for all people. Could you see me? Could you accept me? Could you handle your self when there was no more distraction or illusion to which you'd become comfortable? Most wont. Handle themselves. They'll just explode with the slightest impact or exposure. And then it's all out. Every card on the table. Instantly. It's that simple.

I'm tired of people. When did we forget that we're all individuals? Last I checked I knew but do you?
Apparently Not.

Apparently Not.

I think of the last person who fought to be my legal guardian. Sudie Pollock. A well-established land owner. Published Author. Millionaire. She sold me her trashed Volvo for a dollar. You know.. the one I still drive around. The one I've lived in and worked out of. I had to work; to pay for my self. Luckily it was a restaurant so I ate well. School was my first priority because all ways I'd known it was my only ticket out.

It wasn't.

I think of every one I know that still has help. Or support. I have one person. Ericka Apple. I love that girl so much.

My sister, three years younger, used to harass me so much. She hated when I'd wake her up. Every morning. It was still dark. Michael didn't care. Her father. We just wouldn't go to school and for him that wasn't a problem. Bus came an entire hour early but we all ways made it. Dark. She hated me. Just wanted to sleep. Said so many things...

I miss her a lot.

People Suck. As a group we're fucked. Pecking Orders. Competition. Let's Just Fuck. Who cares about love? Acceptance? Individuality? As a group... No one. We're corrupt.

So I stand a lone.
Meagan Ishtar.

I mean... We can do every thing we want to prevent the inevitable. But what is inevitable is inevitable and that we have to realize. I could live each moment in fear. I could deduct, each day, the presence of threat until I have nothing left but what I recognize. But then how am I pushed, to grow, to achieve, something more than I knew I could be? I wouldn't... I would live a life that I have dictated without the presence of difference and complication. To some this seems nice but then we are ill-equipped when the inevitable happens. And it will. Because it's inevitable.

The presence of control is an illusion. We have societies and businesses and economies and zillion-aires that live off this. Every time you pay a dollar you are accepting a complete system that controls a life you may or may not realize you are / want to be a part of.

To subscribe to a belief that dictates the remainder of your life is a delusion to which we all subscribe. But we shouldn't. It keeps us from being here, now. It keeps us from accepting the inevitable and living with what we have with gratitude. Fear is the basis of every thing we do. It's why I left.

What about you?

Guinness.

I drive along this island that seems to be the edge of the world and realize the sun hasn't even crested the mountain.top .There is so much expansiveness right along my side; the whole world it seems like.

How many times have I been here? Freedom in :My Face. It seems anything is possible; almost to the point where I've become paranoid. I think it and it is so. I say it and it happens, ten fold. Just last night I was talking about how I wanted to stay here and this morning I get that message asking me to; the message sent when I was talking about it, too.

I think of the people in my life that I never got to connect with the way I wanted to. How often I've held my self back out of respect and, it seems, the only result is a life that leaves me lonely and contemplative. But I think of all the things I've avoided. The lack of violence and betrayal because I was kind and loyal. I suppose it all works out in the end; I forget the game isn't over yet.

I think of how many people talk down to me. My entire life. Still. Like I don't know. Like I haven't a clue. Like I'm just floating, carelessly, like so many of you.

The repercussions of our actions fall on the few who take the time to dwell on them. Few Do. Dwell. And, Well... Maybe That's Good.

The source of beauty is a painful process. It takes digging and digging below the surface. It takes fearlessness as we dance along the edge's that so few experience. This depth; This expansiveness; This light that hasn't even appeared Yet. So few even notice it.

And I guess That's :My Poet.


xo

Bailey's & Guinness

I think of all the way I distract my self from the loneliness that lies in my chest. Thirty Years. Soon it will be thirty years of feeling, mainly, a disconnect. I think how, growing up, I never related to my peers and the complications that came from spending time with people that preceded me by so many years. I think of every person I have connected with and how almost every single one is gone now. I think, I write, because this was the only way to get what I actually felt out.

How often no one has listened.
How often no one has been there even when I am.

I think, "it's so easy to be distracted,"
but I'm tired of living life like this.


I'm like a pristine beach that everyone trashes.


Thankfully, the tide rises.
again and again and again

Fry Days

It's actually Tuesday. A month ago yesterday I found my self landing in Hawai'i. After Maui. For some reason I was sure I wasn't gonna make that flight. I've been walking around, this last year, with death ever present. It hasn't been me. Thankfully. I'm in no way ready to go yet.

The new moon was yesterday/last night. This is how I live my life. By the Lunar Cycle. I am A Gardener. I aim to be one with Soil. I give thanks as I eat what these plants that I love provide. Full Moon is Harvest. A time for the celebration of the fruit of your labor. The New Moon is for planting. A time of work and preparedness. I like to ride the momentum of these natural cycles that influence us on every level. That's just the tip of the iceberg that is massive underneath this surface...

About three weeks ago I gave myself a Mohawk. A very short one. It was the second cutting of hair that I loved. Before that I had dreadlocks. Before the first cutting that is. I loved them but their momentum was more than I was equipped to deal with. Perhaps on the second round tho... And this is how life goes. We learn from each experience that will repeat it's self and we can either grow, with each cycle, or give up. Life will play it's self out whether we choose to be involved. But, if we're engaged, the result will be worthwhile.

It's hard to remain engaged in this day and age. Truthfully, everything about our modern life and economy is meant to keep us distracted. We are powerful beings full of wisdom and light. If we accept this, if we express this, we can not be manipulated. And that's what our society is built on. Manipulation. How hard can I work you before you pass out? How much can I charge you before you will go somewhere else? How long can I subject you to the same information before you know nothing else? This is the process. Of our Work. Of our 'Education'. And people wonder why they come home with headaches feeling exhausted and worthless...

Every human is an enterprise. Each and every one of us has the skill set necessary for success. We are tricked when we focus deliberately on survival (altho, trust me, those instincts have definitely saved my ass also). But, as adults, as intelligent thinking adults, we can do anything we want and, most of the time, we'd be successful.

We are encouraged to be a product, not an individual. We are a number and a tax bracket and a mouth that is addicted to McDonald's. And that's all... unless you choose to omit your self from that system. You have to step, consciously, over that line that is drawn to divide us. On the other side is Free Enterprise. You either have it or You Don't.

so, which is it?


xo

Nine and Twenty

I have a Mo.Hawk. I never thought I'd say that. Feels kinda the same as when I had dreads... Another defiance.. Nose Pierced would be in this same category. I dyed my hair red, with Kool-Aid and Red Number Forty. It stained for two days. Maybe there's a little tint left... Why do I do this? These actions that, to some, are puzzling while, to others, they give inspiration and a sense of connectedness. I don't know how to explain it. I Channel. Energy. I feel the presence of things that are intangible to most people. I am a healer. I harmonize these energies through my awareness and my action. I mourn loss and I appreciate beauty. I strive to find a balance in all things that are living. I recycle what is dead. In many practical ways I am Buddhist.

At the moment Hawai'i, the main island, is where I call Home. Although my kitties are on another continent this is Where I Grow. Life Has BeCome Instantaneous. All I Have is Here and Now. The magic exists around me as I see the world arise from my dreams. Every Thing I have aimed for is actualizing Around Me. It just takes time, and focus, and then You're There. And, Holy Shit, It's Incredible to Realize Your Power. I Swear.

There are Specifics. So Many Specifics. Facts and Details and Knowledge and Lessons. So Many Lessons That Will Keep Repeating Until You Realize Them. So, Wizen Up. Listen. Pay Attention. The Second You Choose To Be An Active Part Of Your Life Every Thing Will Change Before You. First, Your Perspective. Then, Your Relationships. Then, Your Work. Then, Your Home. Be Ready. This Is The Moment You've All Ways Waited For. You Created This. Here and Now. Own It. Cherish It. Use It.

You Have Nothing Else.



x o

I empower because I am power.

Meagan Ishtar


I am judged every where I go. With every thing that I do. I... am used to it. It's been this way my entire life. When I was a child I looked and acted too old. As an adult I am regularly ridiculed for behaving too young and condemned for appearing as so. It is painful and the reason I have retreated to this mountain that I am so thankful to currently call home.

Life was Hell. All Ways. Pure and Simple. My joy comes from the happiness of my survival. Every day I am thank full. As I open my eyes. As I take my first few conscious breaths. As I feel my body and all the aches and pains that are now the only proof of all I have experienced. No One believes Me. My Life. How.. How could a child smile after all that has happened? How? But I feel it. Every Day. In my joints and In my bones. I see it in the break down of my skin and my teeth and my eyes. Things no one could notice other wise.

And so I cry. In silence. On the mountain.


xo

October's Seventh Heart

I guess there are two ways to look at things. One is to keep Truth on the down low and the other is to spread Truth out loud. I am the later and I have struggled my whole life in an existence that is the former. Now, even to you love.

There are two ways to look at things but it's better to be the path between for we are more than just how we see things.

I think of how many people have judged Me. Almost every single one. I think how absurd life is, really, for I too judge. But at least I choose to focus on the potential and to come from a place of nurturing.

I think of how cruel is every body. So much violence. So many saying mean things. Even me. Some times. Especially when it's necessary. See : Me. Judging.

I think : what happened to humanity? Have we always been lost? For I have only seen glimpses before. A promise of a better tomorrow that never comes.

I think we're hive-minded and we simply bounce off one another. Life is instantaneous. We are presence. Trapped in the mundane we never actualize our potential. I have known this. I live outside this. I am a rebel. To Some, an outlaw. To most an out-cast who never fit normal. Friendless. Family less. Free Blessed. It's a dichotomy, balanced, at best.

Cancer, Sag and Libra. Pearl and Irish and God dess. So many labels. Daughter and Single and Female and :White. Can't forget : White. That safe Neutral that tries to never bleed. But takes, easily, from every body. Know : He is Not Me. I am :She. A different entity. Thankfully

---

xo

Marches April Nes

I think of all the steps I have taken from you, love, out of fear. How often I have been here, on the path, to : choose. You or Not You. That's all we have here.

By you I mean me, obviously. Because, My Life... it depends on me breathing, me being. There is no : other wise.

I think of all the people I've been. All the lessons I've learned. Partners. Homes. Pets. The promise of children that become a threat. Sercurity. Illusion. Delusion. I can easily say I've experienced all of it.

But not this.. A consistency that is not consistent. Bliss in the Abyss. I used to predict every thing. Scheduled. Organized. I was prepared from Monday through Sun day. I had money. I was "success full." Stable. But there were cracks in that as well.

I was always on edge. Unable to handle the little things that would inevitably happen. There was no way I could control all of it or any of it and the idea I could... that was an illusion I had to let go of or else I literally would have killed my self.

Life is Transcience. That natural flow from one to the other. We see it's movement most easily through water. We are water and these fluctuations in life, we must allow them to flow over us, one at a time. We have to find a way to remain at our center through the detriments of both heart ache and time or else we will find our selves suffocating down the line. To attach is to hold your self in one place, often, one pain... and no one deserves this.

Last night I listened to planes. Giants. In The Sky. So loud and penetrating it was hard to control my mind. That is the world today. Constant distraction. Taking you from that center of gravity that keeps you constant and focused. Unwavering. That is what you must be in the force of things that are hundreds of times greater than you. And, not force fully, not detrimentally, but, gently, like a flower that slowly starts to bloom. Opening towards the ray that was all ways meant to nurture you.

Hold Fast. Allow the light to shine upon you. Allow the dark to fall beside you. And, with time, you will find:

You've Opened Up.

Meagan Ishtar

Cancer...

13 August '12

It drives me crazy, the millions they say, going toward cancer research. A "Cure". Yeah Right. There is no cure. It changes and adapts. It's different for every person. There is no standard for health. Especially in this modern world. Nothing except good food and adequate exercise. That is All.

The rest is an ellimination process. An attempt to elliminate the many toxins you are exposed to, day in and day out, whether it's from your medication, your diet or the area you live in. Toxins are all around us. They are in the air we breathe, the water we drink, the soil we touch and depend on for every thing in this life we are living. The earth in every domesticated area is saturated with the build up of an economy that is designed to destroy it's self. Combine that with the magnitude of advertisement exposure telling us who to be and what to buy, paired with years of education in a system created to keep one from thinking & questioning... well it's no wonder the human race is festering. We are sick and cancer is our most classic example of it. Until everyone takes the responsiblity to cleanse their body, mind and spirit nothing will change in this world.

That is all.

heart

I love how people think I can't tell when they are lying. I mean.. I'm a therapist. I talk about it so infrequently that people must forget or something. But I pay attention to everything. Every little nuance that to most mean nothing but to me mean everything. The smirk as the thought of lying creeps up. The buildup of story telling. The over-dramatization. The drawing out of detail or inability to provide any. The anger and deflection that comes when I innocently and curiously point out indiscretion. The back tracking. The denial. The cover up. All of it. I'm so familiar with all of it. Like a fox who's pretended to be a sheep so long he calls his own fur wool now. It's a sad story until you change.

heart

Facts & Measures

"It's hard for me to remember all of it not because I can't recall the details but instead because I recall all of them. And slowly, as they unwind, well the telling... it takes time."

Meagan Ishtar

--

Dear Brad,

I guess first and foremost I am a story-teller which works well in this situation as there is much I need to catch you up on. I became aware of my skill with articulation when I was young ~ about twenty years ago. Writing became a passion; Poetry for it's meter and rhyme. At first I copied other styles but was developing my own within a short while. My aim was concision and I fought it tirelessly. Practicing, over and over, how to do the same thing more simply. Little did I know I was training for my Mastery of Quantum Physics, Mechanics and Theory.

Now Nothing In My Life Was Ordinary. Never Was. Never Will Be. All of my life I have struggled with the insistence of others that I Be Normal. This encouragement bothers me. I have aimed, deliberately, to be the unique representation of all that I have to offer. I have adapted a lot of skills that I did not see to exist before me. I create change wherever I go. Instantaneously. It is why I became a Life Coach. It's what I do naturally all ready.

But it wasn't Natural because I'd been studying and working towards this my whole life. It is a perfected approach and behavior. A way of thinking and a dedication to remain active. Meticulousness integrated with beauty and harmony. I love all of it.

I am a Philosopher. That is why I get along with Your Mother. Just in case you were wondering...

I came here professionally. When we met I was a travelling writer. :



August 16th
2012

xo

The Secrets To The UniVerse

Einstein.

My car sits outside this house that could be a Mansion. Walls. Gates. A Rose Garden. When inside, unless you're looking from a high west facing window, you wouldn't be able to see out side.

'Write your own story,' in pink, faded red paint, on my car in the drive way.

'Who knows who lives here?' they must say.

I have become a neighborhood favorite among these old ladies. Where did I come from? Who is my mother? They all say. "Me!" "Me." I hear when they play. It's nice to know so many people love me these days.

I left Sacramento thinking the opposite actually. Ironic, really. When I think of the direction my life has now it is humbling. I am so happy I am beside my self.

I never realized how capable we are and this is pretty funny coming from me and who I are.

You have no idea how much I smile now. It's pretty much constant now. Even in the face of chaos. Especially in the face of chaos. Because I know : We caused it.

Our reality is the direct representation of our thoughts. Quite, literally. Physically. All of it. The theory of relativity : the interdependence of matter, time and space. (Your best friend should be your dictionary) It all makes sense. Think of your health; your best gauge in this existence. What is its state? How high and low does your energy fluctuate? What is at stake? Mortality. Finality. You had better learn to control before it's too late.

Metaphysics? Just an extension. An Interpretation. Modern Relativity for Reality, if you'll have it.

What about Jesus, the 'Son of God?' Good Question. Aren't all of us? Suns and Daughters. Yes, Yes that is : Us.

God Is Us. You. Me. Energy, really. All of it. I created the cosmos. I could see the stars, small pin pricks of light in the night or I could lose my self and see : Nothing. Emptiness. Chaos. Abyss.

Or, peace. Here. On, Earth. In : Me. Total, Health. Total, Actuality. I Am : Me. God, really. The power is in All of Us. You. Me.

Blasphemy! You point at Me. Did you study the bible?! Yes. Twenty years ago. With a Pure Mind and an Innocent Heart is Where Those Words First Took Part. Where Were You? When Are You? Now. Now? Let's : Talk.

I smile because I relate to None Of You. At Nine that was Where I Was. Where Were You? Stuck. Stuck in these patterns of abuse that at a young age you had no awareness of. You were just a child. Innocent. Happy. Mindless.

I was : An Adult. I would have to tell you my whole story for you to Know and in time I will.. that's a promise. But, Here, Now, just know that I was alone. Scared. Confused. Dependent on my need for : love. And, I turned, I turned to the Bible, the Word of God, to understand my self. And : I sought Church, Prayer, Baptism so I could redeem my self. For, I knew I was : lost.

I found I was Not. The more I learned, the more I aligned my self with "God," the more I saw how many were false prophets. How so few were actually a representation of who they really are. Lies. Deceit. Hypocrisy. I saw all of it and it tore me up. I dis associated. I redeemed.. My Self. And, I understood... God had nothing to do with all of it.

Life. Seconds. Humans. Infants. This is just an experience, an opportunity, to gain a wider vision. One that can only be granted with : consciousness. What is the aim of this existence? What is the purpose behind this experience? WE are only a part, a mere fraction of : A Whole. What, Whole? It is not of consciousness. Humans are Conscious. That is : Our Part. To Harness : Consciousness.

Relativity. The InterDependence of Matter, Time and Space. You can only understand this in a conscious state. And, when you do, you can maximize this : Truth. The power is there, controlling you, whether you harness it or not. Not harnessing it will destroy you. And that my friends... That is when Your Life is : Up.



heart.,
Meagan Ishtar

The Story We'Ve All Been Waiting For.

Finally, a chance to sit down and write. ::sigh:: My, oh, my,.. What an interesting beginning to : A Year.

How did I get Here? You all have asked. And, depending on when we approached this question, my answer will be one that offers some variance. For, I am Here, On : Purpose. A very purposed purpose that I hold quite dear.

I am Here because I Chose To Be Here, and, I suppose that is true for all of us. We are the product of our exhaustions. Think a minute on that one.. . What we receive will be equal in proportion to what we exert ~ 'we get what we give' is what most of you have heard. It's a Law of Physics. Simple Inertia. An Extension, I Know, but we're intelligent creatures, fo sho.

I decided to test the universe. That's right ya'll. "There's a book somewhere in there.." Ha Ha, yeah, I Know!

I wanted to see what would happen if I put my self totally out there with nothing more than my own ability to manifest greatness. At many points I had no money. My car, which is miraculously still with me and working, (unregistered and uninsured tho..) allowed me shelter but there were many times I left it unlocked with the keys in the ignition (in Oakland, too, yo!), to test and see if it would still be there. And, you know what? It Was.

I have gone in to cities where I knew no one and was welcomed in to many homes. Many of which refer to me now as :daughter. And now, where I live, it is a beautiful home with an elderly woman that I care for as much as my own Mother.
It's a beautiful world out : There.

We Give what We Get. Absolutely. It works both ways, for sure. And that's why it's of utmost importance to change your life, totally and completely, if you are not receiving what you need in order to give what you need. Do you get me? You are directly ingesting what others exhaust upon your existence. There's another version of it. Full Circle. Full Circle. Full Circle, you know?

We need to change the world. I am not saying that lightly. We need to change our selves. Killing our own brothers? Who the fuck cares if it's for oil. Stop using oil. It's that fucking simple. What's our problem, yo's?

No body knows. No body knows the full circle of our inevitableness. We think it all stops. We think it all stops with : Me. I'm safe. I'm fed. I'm happy and fat and well-read. I : Know. I Am Fine. I have what I need. A house, a car, a job, a family. You are Not It. You are just a blip, a small second in the universe that consumes for the sake of consumption. That's It. When, oh When, did we become such idiots.

World War Two. Yeah, that's It. Fucking Idiots. All Of Us. Hitler and Japs and Feminism and Hypocrites. It makes me fucking sick. Sick. Yeah, You! That's :It.

What have you done to change? Did you stop creating trash? Do you now accept every human you encounter as your dearest and closest friend? Have you abandoned ideals and labels and intolerance? Have you let go of brands and burned the money that lays in your pocket? Do you wake up with Peace? Do you have a job that isn't a job because you love it complete? Do you embrace your flaws and commit to being your self despite the negativity?

I didn't think. That is the problem. We are shut off through all the systems our beloved government decided to start after that World War Two I was talking about. We are machines. Put In. Receipt. Cha Change! Get a fucking clue. We are dis eased.

Challenge your self. Challenge your beliefs. If you want it, burn it. If you need it, leave it. If you fear it, embrace it. If you know it, lose it.

That's the only way you can know your self.
Meagan Ishtar

Me.

I think about the few, the small hand ful of people that actually know Me, and I am thank ful. Life is such a quick progression, truly, it passes with the swiftest momentum, that, in truth, it would be impossible to know all the details even if I tried to give them.

Also, in truth, so much happens every day that I could never tell you all the details, all the decisions, all the facts that are representative of all that I Am. Only time, the slow movement of the hour hand, could show you Who I Am if we Spent Them : together.

It is this way for every one every where and, as we grow older, it makes sense that isolation and depression begin to build those stairs. Those stairs we stare at when we're too exhausted to go anywhere. Those stairs that mark our journey as one of individuality and independence, everywhere. It can be exhausting, especially if we have not been equipped with an abundance of love and kindness in our Younger Years. These things, they are our sustenance in our older years as we wander a lone, realizing our purpose and finding a way to execute the course that encourages our progression. It is a lonely and trying existence as we ask these questions and seek these answers. But, we all go through it. It is the human experience. So, in our aloneness, we are The Same.

Due to circumstance, I began this journey long before any of my peers. I date and hang out with people that precede me by twenty years. For all of my youth I could not relate to those who were defined by the same age as I. So, I spoke, on the page, and silence rang in most ears. The perfect Confidante, I Listened, and People Loved It. For, I had already been there, for so many years.., I now understood all of it.

Through reflection and education I gained the knowledge that has encouraged my progression to : Here. A place where I aim to be nothing but love and acceptance ~ to every one every where. For, just as you can not know all I have been through, all I have experienced, I too can not know you and all that makes and takes and keeps you through these years. I can aim to and I will in every chance I am granted but, between them, I will aim to only give you Love and Acceptance. For, if I knew every detail, I would understand your decisions. If I knew all your story, I would comprehend all your actions. Just as you would me with that same information.

And, in truth, that is why I share what I do, publicly, with friends. My aim is to remind you of the emotion and complexion that defines human expansion.

There is more than meets the eye in every situation, as is true with Who and How I Am.

Each of us is a story that waits and yearns to be read. For, only through the sharing of our individual struggle, can we grow and understand that Love is the Objective.

Love is the Objective through All of It.

Meagan

limbo

I think of America and it's fore fathers. So many, our ancestors, came here specifically for the pursuit of their freedom and happiness. Penniless, with little more than hope, for most of them. Abandoning the security of family and possession, they wandered, across the expanse of that ocean.

We are here because they survived those situations that left many starving, sickly and / or under constant repression. We are here because of their courage and faith which they found a way to maintain with persistance.

It is not easy to remain strong in the face of adversity, how ever that adversity may come. It is the trial of this living that, if we hope to survive, we must find a way to over come. And that is the lesson ~ the lesson of this living I suppose.

I remain in my home state but, at the same time, I relate. I landed in Southern California on my car's last leg. It sits now, in a drive way, waiting for a possible resuscitate.

I have gone weeks with no money and have had to depend on my own resourcefulness to find a way to move forward. I have had to reach out to strangers in hope that they would have kindness in their heart and help me with simple things, like food and shelter and clothing. I have not known where I was or, really, who I was with, but I have continued to walk forward believing that I will be provided for despite the reality that exists.

I have never known faith like this. All Ways I provided for my self and, often, my partner. I have never accepted the help of a stranger ~ not ever like this. But I believe I was meant to be here ~ experiencing life like this.

It has been hard ~ especially after some specific situations. I have experienced what I would consider total and complete abandonment when I felt the most vulnerable and sick. I have been alone, lost in the abyss of the desert of man's existence. Scared. Weak. Full of doubt and endless question.

So many nights I have cried in the darkness. Detached from humanity as I froze in my car. For a nation that once welcomed the survivor I can not help but wonder when and how we became so mis guided.

There are systems in place but they are corrupted. The genuiness of humanity has some how become covered. I struggle with this. Every day I struggle with this as I have all ways felt it was my purpose in life to change this.

I needed to see it ~ the reality as it truly was. For, in truth, without that vision I could never move forward. It has been hard to witness, first hand, the dismay of deterioration of this once great nation.

Through the struggle, through the progression past fear and the most hurt ful of betrayals, I found a way. A way to : Here. Here being faith; Faith that, no matter what, there is a way and I will find it.

Life is the slow unfolding of our purpose which, at times, may be cloudy and unfocused. But that's Okay. No one all ways knows the way. We learn most through the times we are lost and we grow most through the exchange we have when we must depend on another. Without other people we would have and be nothing.

It's easy to think differently in this culture that now pushes and promotes independence and individuality. But, without the love that exists when we help one another, we would amount to nothing. Who would be here if they were never helped by somebody? No body. No body.

So, I give; So, I accept. It is a blessing to be a part of this continual exchange that promotes health and progress. If no one cared, if no one dared, all of us, at one point or another, would be lost some where.



Thank You to All who have been There,

Meagan Ishtar