Christ Is Born

I fall asleep to the stars that shine above
these streets
north west
south east
it's all the same, really, when all you need is
a round you
all ready

this is the vision i have spent this year
developing
as i shed possession
of both material and relation

i wondered what would happen if i shed every thing and brought it all back down to the necessities
who would i become?
what would i see?

it only confirmed my beliefs
that we are vessels of energy
captured in the skin of our human existence

heaven
hell
mere conscious representations
of a material state
that, without the mind,
we would not see or define or under stand

god and satan
are a conscious decision
of who you could be
of who you have been

love
is the action
that defines the person
that creates the character
that perpetuates the difference

life
you have complete control of it
what you exude
that is what will come to you

bliss or hate
abundance or disgrace

the choice is yours to make

in humbleness i sleep each night
covered in blankets
as my breath
clouds

be fore me

i work, consciously, deliberately
on the creation of a new society
it is my only aim

life can be different
life will be different
if we dedicate our selves
to making it that way

every one i meet
is beautiful
really

so much to contribute
with their knowledge
with their smile
with their hope
with their determination
with their power

we are incredible creatures
creatures who have been told to sit down
to cover up
to not be our selves

power less
we believe
that we perpetuate
our own ambivalence, really.

two thousand and twelve
is the year to be different, finally.
the build up has happened
we have changed

let's go out
with a
bang




heart

Simplicity

Love is My Religion
And, I Mean That,
Most, Seriously.

I claimed that one a long time ago and then I strayed from it... As all must do before they can truly believe in and stand behind some thing. It's a process, this Faith Learning.. But, it's also a beautiful one, undoubtedly.

Love... It means so many things to so many people but when I refer to it I mean it most basically. And, for me.. that simply means UnConDiTionAlly. And, I mean that, truly. At this rate I expect every one I interact with to not understand me; To not see me; To not be able to give me any thing .. and so I expect No Thing. I commit to just standing there, being present, listening and offering help when / where I can. With a smile too, obviously. :) And, as I am present, openly, the most beautiful thing happens, naturally.. Connection. Pure and Simple. Two people, exchanging energy, without boundary or hesitation. It's beautiful, truly, and something I Honor, Especially.

So Here I Am. Being.
Beautifully.

It took me a long time to get here.
It takes a lot to be able to stand, for even just a second, surrounded by people, with absolutely no expectation.
It's so foreign that when I say this to people they don't believe me but, truly, it's the truth. Truly!

My needs are so few now
I could literally go any where and be okay
Definitely

For, I have found, that living this way
This Purely
the universe brings everything i need
easily and quickly

food and shelter
warmth
water
and, currently,
incredible scenery and amazing people

i couldn't ask for any thing more
really

i feel so grateful

the processes that took place
to get me here ..
i did it quickly
but it required a lot of shedding

a process that could easily take years

but, i didn't have it
Time
so i sped up the process and got
Here
as quickly as possible

My Belief now is that we are all Light Beings
as infants we were born
pure and full
abundant

but, life..
especially depending on our circumstance
obstructs this light and covers it with darkness

in truth i believe it is a protective process
like a tough skin
built
to keep the core
safe

but, depending on the life,
the roughness...
it can become too much

and this causes the variance
in our lives
in our emotions

thank goodness

but, of course, today
the extremes are too much

people laugh at me now
when I talk about it
but, it's true
I used to be a Bitch
I used to be Evil, too...

I know a lot
especially about people
and before, when I was hardened by My Experience of Survival,
I used it to my benefit
to manipulate and over ride people.

that was a long time ago..
because i didn't have the heart
to sustain that ego
but, i was there...
i did take advantage of people.

and, Now I Am Here.
the distance it took
to get me here
was great

each year
each experience
was a shedding
a process of slowly razor bladding that pain and distrust away

it was hard and incredibly difficult
it is no easy process
to skin one's self
but, it's necessary,
if you want to provide
the light and the love
that heals people.

and that was my point.
Love,
Unconditional Love..
I Needed it to be My Religion.

In my heart, I know that Acceptance is The Way..
I have all ways known it
and, I guess I could say that comes from living a life while no one understood it.

My past..
So much happened that when I try to summarize it I lose people within a few seconds of it.
Few can even comprehend it
And, really,
That's The Truth Of All Of It.

That's what I realized, when I first went to church, long long ago.
All of us has a story, a history, a life we are recovering from.
No One knows our entire story
And, never could.
All we have is this time, this present, this moment together from which we can move forward.
So, I meet people here.
And I accept all they have been.
And I accept all they are and will be because of where they are coming from.
And, I take care of me, so that I will be protected, should any thing happen to any body.
But, it doesn't, because, loving so openly, it creates opportunity and promotes respect and connectivity.
It is the basis for any stable environment.
It's the only way to move forward,
truly.

So, this holiday season,
this year that beckons the creation of all our resolutions..
Aim to be your self
One Hundred Per Cent Completely
And, Aim to Accept Every One Else,
As Equally The Same

And, Just Wait And See What Happens..
Kinda, Immediately, I'd Say...

It's a challenge I hope you'll take seriously!
Because, I promise,
It makes Every Difference

Totally and Completely

.




heart

Twenty Twelve

The fear is rampant which, to me, is astounding. For, if I have learned any thing this year, well, the last few years, it would be the Art of Survival. And, truly, I believe this is the skill that will be most needed in this coming year.

So many things are happening. At this rate, I think it's becoming hard for the pulses in energy and the force of the cycles to not be taken seriously. Finally, the main stream, are becoming aware of the effects. Maybe remedially, yes, but it definitely gives us the glimpses of sanity we once sought at. So, here we are, ready, for any thing.

And any thing it will be. That I can guarantee, completely. We forget it in these patterns that become our life so easily but, lately, these cages.. we've watched them fall away. The jobs, the marriages, the police state. So many things are chatoic we can't help but freak out a little because of it. No one knows what the fuck is going on and, really, that's the wake up call we've all been waiting on.

No one knows shit. Not really... Not when you think of it. It's this humbleness that makes us great and we are lost because we have not owned it. Instead we've focused on owning every thing else, all these materials and traits that are supposed to make us great but what do we have because of it? Loneliness. Isolation. A diseased and decaying Fate.
Not the pillars of a succeeding race..

The wake up call comes in understanding that in every moment we are learning, expanding. Any other experience is false and we become lost because of it. So, what now? .. Take Action. Assume Responsibility. Make Your Self Accountable For The Actions You Have and Have Not Committed. Every Thing is a Reflection. Of Your Self. Of Your Life. If you don't own it, No One will.. and you'll just keep floating in this abyss of your existence.

We Have Realized This.
This is Why We Are Here.
We are tired of waiting. We are tired of being unprepared.
We are tired of depending on others when we have needed to learn how to depend on our selves.

We are ready.
To join together.
As a race.
That is a Journey.
That is a life worth living.

Be strength.
Be greatness.
And you will have it.

It's as simple as that.

2012...
it's time to actualize that.


Best to All of Us!
Meagan Ishtar

ann iv er sar ies

Today is the three month anniversary of my being a Nomad and leaving Sacramento .. It is also the five month anniversary of when I first left Southern California and felt the absence of my heart as I drove from there. Every step, from that moment, until now, has been to bring me back here. And, truly, I couldn't be happier about the fact that life and circumstance allowed for it to happen as quickly as it did.

Of course, the gifts of the universe often come in their abundance of disguises, and many times throughout this journey I have been challenged and questioned in all the areas that matter the most to me. I have been pushed to endure and sacrifice but, every time I succeed by not giving in to attachment and, instead, practice the expression of gratitude, the rewards are endless. I have definitely gained more than I gave.

Really though, today is the actual anniversary of when my life really began to change. This last year the true quest has been to re:connect with my center ~ the core of who Meagan Ishtar is. Last year, and the years prior, were incredibly difficult for me. Of course I learned many lessons but what I was left with was a shell of who I'd once been. All that seemed to exist was my bitterness and depression. It was hard for me to connect with any one or any thing and, most of the time, I was just angry. I cried often and searched, desperately, for something to bring me out of where I'd been.

The steps were tiny and, in truth, I never could of guessed where they'd lead me. I walked in to a new health and wellness situation I'd never before considered, I ended my long term relationship, I gave away all of my possessions, I embraced and expanded my spirituality and creativity, and I opened up to the possibility of connecting again. I have met so many incredible people along the way ~ true Soul Family, guaranteed. Every day I revel in my blessings.

These last few months I've purposefully allowed my self to wander because I needed to. I have received so much concern from so many different people that I feel honored to be cared for so much but, really, this was all intended for me. I needed to test both my self and the universe in order to move forward and, I must say... I am blown away by all that I find. We humans are quite incredible creatures, able to do most any thing we put our mind to, no exaggeration. It's amazing and, also, a very humbling thing to experience. For, once we begin to realize the power we have, in every situation, we also simultaneously begin to witness how we usurp that power by so easily giving it to others when we really shouldn't any longer.
We also begin to notice the impact and influence of all that is around us, and, depending on the magnitude of it, this knowledge can drive us a little batty. It's almost like a bird waking up and realizing it's in a cage after it just dreamed of freedom. The desperation that follows can be suffocating and, if one doesn't take the action needed to change their situations pretty immediately, the stagnation can become threatening. It's a process that most of us have experienced before but I embraced it quite literally and committed to making every change necessary to have the life, the freedom, I knew I needed.

In speaking with people all up and down this beautiful state I've noticed that many are undergoing the same transitions even though the scenery may differ slightly. Truly this year has been about self~definition. About claiming who we are and what we want and need to get by in this life time. For, it is a sentence, this living ~ and we only have now to utilize it.
So, how do I want my day to be? I ask repeatedly. Every day, every moment, I transition with the experience that is happening. I have worked and focused on becoming one hundred percent present and the knowledge and awareness that comes from this type of living is astounding. The opportunity that presents it's self is more than rewarding. There are so many possibilities! Still it astounds me.


So, what next?

I am in Southern California.
I love it here.
Truly, for five months, in my heart I have still been here.
So, I am here, and I am 'going to make it happen'
as a friend once said to me.


I am excited.
As I said : so many possibilities!


Here's to twenty twelve being all we imagine it can be.



heart

No Mad :: Stat Us

It's been almost three months of this nomad living and, I must say, I've come to love it completely. Every day I am taken aback by the kindness of strangers.

Just last night I had a woman and her son come to my car, waking me, to check and see if I needed anything. Water? Food? Gas money? Was I warm enough? It'd been cold lately.
I laughed joyously, touched with her care and concern. I told her I was fine, just in an in-between spot, and I'd only be on her street a couple more days. The same thing happened the night before with her neighbor. But, this time, she returned. With four bags of food, water, and essentials like wet napkins / hand wipes .
All I could do was laugh and thank her repeatedly.


Every day is like Christmas.

twenty twelve

every where i look i see the vulchers circling.
i love them, in the sky, as they move to gether
searching for their sup per..

i know the feeling
but, right now, i am stationary.

re~evaluating life and all these decisions.
gearing up to finally take those actions.
things are, i think, looking up...

life...
the possibilities are endless.
it's just so easy, too easy, to give up on our selves.

it's no wonder when you consider how few of us are encouraged
encouraged to do and be the things that really mean any thing
it's no wonder we all feel lost and a lone

i travelled
up and down this coast
city to city i wrote

every one loved that i was 'an artist'
every one envied my flexibility and lack of responsibility
every one wanted to come with me

but, couldn't...

what is this life we've created?
where all of us lust after the one we do not have.

when does life become worth living, my friends?
today? yesterday? never?
might as well be...

that's what this year is,
the death of all we used to be
as we harness the power
of all we want
to shoot
forward

out of :
two thousand eleven

moonlit skies

sometimes the condition is to become unconditioned.




some times love is an equation
that doesn't have to be
solved
.





thank you and heart

possession~less

every day i discard something close to me. be it a prized possession or some thing i have narrowed down to be a necessity. for, living as a nomad, out of my car, well, i can carry very few things. and, daily, i seem to acquire some thing, at least, one thing, and, i must make room for it. so, i do... deliberately. i have to pay attention. i have to be critical about my elimination. but, the act, it makes me cherish every second. and, truly, this life.. well, it's the only way to live it.

so, all ways i am thankFUL, for the exchange of it.
the gratitude,
it's endless .

middle ground

the wind shakes and the rain pours down upon me and my steel cage. another cold night alone in my car, paused between the stops along this free way, it's called. i drive the distance but still i feel the presence of every one i've met and every place i've gone. alone, yes, but, not...

i never sleep for more than an hour. or, at least, it's rare for me. so easily i slip in and out of consciousness. a constant dialogue this life is with my self.

i could find meaning in every thing, if i looked for it. or i could deem it meaningless, if i wanted it. so i skate between the two of them and carve me out of the ruin of it.

what am i comfortable with?
anal? facials? DP?
cream pies and corporate ties..
what about birth control?

No.
That's where i draw the line.
ironic...

definitely recommended in this business. there are a lot of options. pills. shots. rings.
i KNOW. i've tried them all.
he doesn't believe me.

a two year contract.
a waiver to use any or all of it in any and all ways.

No, Thank You.

a camera sits between the seedy hotel beds. a light turned on. ready for that : shot.

i think i'm going to leave..

stay. tequila? haha, no...

no rush to leave. the room's already paid for. let's stay and talk. it's my day too...

No.

you seemed so confident. out of every one i thought you for sure would be down.
ha ha ha ha ha .

i'm just here exploring options. it's funny what some one will agree to when they don't have many options. but, yes, i am going to go.



GO



every where i go people smile and ask me why i'm alone. how can a girl as beautiful as you be single? every one asks.. i laugh. i don't know... because i am? i shrug. i never stay in one place very long and no one comes with me. so, i guess that's it, really. destiny. or, something..

it's a beautiful morning! misty. how are you?
i smile.
good.. quite a storm last night, i say, as i continue walking.

yeah...

he continues to watch me.
hello! how are you?

he watches me too.

how can i help you?
the teller asks.
female.

i smile at her.
twenty on twenty eight.
thanks.

these are my days. skating between these social interactions that all ways attempt to tie me to this place, this space, where i have no intention of being.

the clouds are gorgeous. the sky a blue expanse that i chase with my head. lights a long the way. water? i am de hy drat ed .

options. choices. end less. expansive.
do and be what ever you want is what they all ways told me.

simplicity.
what's that?
shallow~ness.
how do i find it?

depth. that's all i know. why am i a lone?
because no one comes with me.
steps, sure.
dips, yes.

but full exposure. long exposure? No.

alone
alone
a lone

i am the wolf and the dragon. the snake and the farmer. the animal and the stone.
animated and in animate.
fucked.

take me in pieces because i'm too big to swallow whole.
all ways i will be a lone.



truly, it's the only thing i've ever known.

politics.. it all comes down to politics, he tells me. right down to where you go to the bath room... he is referring to prison but i see the correlation and add the same is true in dating. we joke, and laugh, about that awkward place where you try to read the other person before you fall too deep or, in his case, get the shit kicked out of you. and, well, to me.. it's all the same really...

he's twenty-three but he looks seventeen. i'm twenty-eight but he thinks i'm twenty. we laugh about that entirely. guess we're doing something right. funny because neither of us has come from an easy life. youth, that ellusive quality that so many pay thousands to achieve/mimic every year, that we can't seem to chase a way. and, we wish we could, because both of us are tired of people thinking we're young. both of us have scrapped for our survival for as far back as we can remember, never staying in one place for more than a year or two, learning and growing and simply trying to keep those heads above water. we laugh at it as we sit in the harbor.

eight fifty he tells me is the cost for his rent in the ghetto. not much, he feels, for his one bedroom apartment that he fears leaving at night. but, it's only a ten minute walk from the water, so it must be worth something. he struggles to make money while he hangs marketing flyers for large corporations, like Sears, he tells me. Sears.. i didn't even know that place still existed.

he gets to travel around all the major cities here, which he loves. meets a lot of interesting people from all over, like me.. i laugh because i have nothing to say to him. he asks me what i like to do for fun, three times even, and all i can come up with is walk, write and listen to music. he's the first person i've had an actual conversation with all day.. and, even then, it's trying.

i like to chat, he tells me. which also makes me laugh... for, in truth, it's him that's doing the talking. and, if i've realized any thing in this life, it's that all we really are is our projections. so often people tell me things like this as i listen quietly, understanding completely who they are and how they think while, truthfully, they know very little about me.

but, in truth, there is all so very little to me. i was honest when i said that for fun all i do is write and walk and listen to music. i have engaged in so much dialogue in this life that this morning i was tempted to take a vow of silence for years to come. but, i could never make money doing that, and money seems to be that thing we all need on this planet.

and, when did a world full of resource become a struggle for richness? who decided that one because it's fucking ridiculous. let's fight and kill over something we can walk out of a hut and grab.. yeah, that makes sense.

so, i contemplate doing porn, because if i let some guy cum on my face for thirty minutes i can make at least five hundred bucks. and, with a shower, it's all done. and, who am i to judge who gets off on what? i don't give a shit what any one thinks about me so i think : why the hell not?

and these are the reasons there are large amounts of us who turn to the hustle. this kid, he's been in prison twice now.. still got that cherry face tho so i guess it doesn't matter. he'll get me an eighth for thirty bucks if i want it. wont take any of it either! i pass on that one.

he tries to get smooth on the bench so i recommend we continue walking. he laughs at some point about the blade i have hanging from my pocket but it causes me to never have to defend my self. and, i'm pretty sure he knows that one.

i might not do too many things for fun these days and i may cherish my solitude a little too much but, every where i go, i have my head up and i look at these passers by straight in the eye. which, truthfully, is what got his attention. one of the only blacks in this area it stood out that i did and caused him to say hello and ask my name. assumes i have experience with 'the brotherhood' because i never coward away. i laugh. i told him if i've learned any thing in this life it's only to keep an open mind. he liked that one.

so, nickle and dime, spit and crime, who knows what will come of this one. i'm tired of society and our inflatted arrogance that leaves us empty and heart less. i sit in StarBucks to suck up this free internet as everyone works and laughs and socializes a round me in, yet another, wealthy city. and, who are we to be sitting on our asses? and, who am i to be writing about it? i'm just as guilty as the next party, i too painfully realize. what's the point of any of this, really, i can't help but ask my self repeatedly.

i came here on a mission to save the world and wonder if it's even worth saving now. are we so far down the rabbit hole that there's no turning back now? how could i ever hope to convince a majority that they don't need their pin stripe suits and leather shoes? i'll tell you some thing... the more i travel the more i do wonder if that is even possible..

in jux ta position, just the other night i dined in a home that is facing a foreclosure. they were lovely people, and i enjoyed their company and hospitality so very much, but i could not help but notice that room after room was filled with.. junk. junk that they had probably spent a fortune on, too. junk they would never sell or get rid of, either, even if it costs them their home. and, this is the opposite problem in our society... the hoarding that comes after years of deprivation.. just another piece to this puzzle.

some times i wish i could turn the brilliance off. i understand why so many are drug addicts. this morning i contemplated how easy it would be to pop a pill for all this anger and confusion i feel. then i could be a good minion and work my soul a way. and, may be that's the hard truth i'm facing.. that truly, the human life now is no thing more than a commodity and success comes to those who are the highest bidders. and, all i can say is : fuck that life.

so, may be i will let some stranger cum on my face for that cash. it sure would be handy.. and, besides, i never liked being pretty any way.

later, babes.
MI

a life full of promise

in these constant questions i ask my self, about life, about love, about endurance and commitment and truth there are few things that stay constant. especially the more i test my self.. but, in theory and practice, i continue to scratch the surface until i find enlightenment or the end. so, if i die, well... my love to all of you.

i have so many options of where i can go and who i can be. if i have learned any thing in this world it is that i can do and be any thing. and, i have done and been a lot of things as any one who knows me can stand testament. out of boredom i have to change pretty regularly ~ it's truly the only thing that can keep me sane in this world. i'm not sure if it's the chicken or the egg.. if i am constantly changing due to the fact that inconsistency is all i have ever known or if i am inconsistent because life is always changing. i definitely feel crazy and isolated as every one continues on their cycles and schedules around me, of that i am certain...

i know that my life experience has allowed me to be in a very unique situation and, my personality, well.. that has allowed me the ability to cope and articulate it i suppose. every where i go i meet people who want to hear the wisdom of a life lived to the bone. i've cut my self so close that the stark whiteness is blinding to most but, it brings them forward, like a moth. and here i sit with an audience.

i never liked attention. not ever.. but, every where i go, i get it. young and old, human and animal... there is an unavoidable attraction. for years and years i coward from it. i eat emotionally to gain weight to deter people from looking at me because men are inappropriate and women are mean, but even that didn't matter. i was almost two hundred pounds, fucking sick and ridiculous really, and still the attention came at me.

i have dressed frumpily. i have refused to wear makeup. i don't pluck my eyebrows and, half the time, my clothes are dirty. lately, i've been lucky to shower once a week and i brush my teeth in a corporate bathroom once a day. and still, every where i go, the looks keep coming. if i have my ear phones off, which is rare these days.., the words soon follow. and, it is exhausting... some times someone just needs to be alone. thank goodness for my car.

i love everyone and maybe that's the problem. i am ever present, maybe that's the problem.. who knows really... but, it's made me realize one thing that i have known for my entire life, i am supposed to do something in this spot light.

these words i have spent the majority of my life perfecting, well, i know they are a part. i have the first book complete and there are more to come. i know, in time, i will also be performing them but now is not yet the time..
i know the way i see the world and human nature also has a point. as most of you know, i've been a wellness life coach this year, and, still, i am working towards that non~profit. so many people i meet, every day if i want to, who can help me on these paths all over this state. so many people ready to come together if they only had a way...

so, i wander these paths, searching for one. for, i can only conclude that my level of nonattachment in this world is for a reason that i must utilize. it is very rare for a person to be outside the ties that holds them to one place, day after day after day. and, it is this cycle exactly that destroys us, day after day after day. and, i see it, on the faces of so many people that i meet. and, the liberation, they see it when they look back at me. and, i guess that's the exchange really that brings every one up to me. it's like i know a secret every one wants to be in on. but, the secret, it's not an easy one and it leaves me night after night after night A LONE.
and how many people can handle that?
few. very very few.
so i can only conclude that that is my purpose.

this whittling that i am doing, in my life, in this life, it is purpose full. i am determined to find a solution, a new way to living this life. one that creates harmony and community and perpetuates fulfillment rather than greed and waste. there is a way but it goes out side the way we do every thing now ... and that's where i am standing.

if i make it, i will carry us to the promised land.
and, if i don't, well please know i did it all out of love.

MI

dementia

she tells me stories of love and how it breaks my heart for, now , she and he are alone. and, i can not help but see the parallel in my own life, as i swallow the truth that this is how it must be for me to carry on.

her story takes us to space which takes my breath away.. a painter, beautiful smudges of colorful floral that i love, accented by her vibrantly dyed red hair, pale skin and stark blue eyes. we follow the halls as she points out her work but i noticed it all all ready. this is a space that contains my heart even if she doesn't realize it.

she must be only sixty but her health is poor and the on~set of alzheimer's causes her to repeat her self. for this reason i can not tell which parts to her stories are fact or fiction but, being a weaver my self, it matters not i suppose. and so we wander.. through her rooms, through her rose garden. every thing perfect in it's place where the loneliness can only echo loudly. but i walk, slowly, quietly, with a smile for i know the honor of her sharing this place. and, i love her in that moment for taking me to that space.

she tells me of her husband who left now, long ago, but who she still loves so much it is unbareable for her to see him now. but, still they do, when he's in California, even though it breaks her heart. in her story he is an Aeronautical Engineer that has saved the world a couple of times now. thanked privately by a sobbing president for having navigated a spacecraft back in that could have potentially devastated the Earth. i do not know which is real or fairy tale but i still love the sharing. she tells me how her husband, the ex now, when he first flew up.. how he saw the most brilliant rainbow with the most unique and spectacular shade of red that he wished he'd been able to show her for, as a painter, he knew how she'd love it. and, the smile on her face, well, i hoped that had been so.

she and her friend, a neighbor, had come up to me in StarBucks yesterday as i wrote at a table. intrigued, they created casual conversation and invited me to dinner that night. being halloween, i had no plans, so i joined them for pizza. it was a lovely night that helped me better understand the heart of an older female. having been close with many, particularly of the grandmother variety, i've glimpsed it many times. but here, to night, i saw it best in this light. may be for the fact of how closely it resembled my current life where i too am alone.. life is definitely funny, and that's not a joke...

almost my entire life i have been alone. when i take those moments where i felt truly, one hundred percent, ecstatically connected with another being and put them together in one ball.. well, compared to the totality of my life it really amounts to nothing at all. but, those moments, no matter how rare in number they are or seemingly insignifcant they can seem to be together they have managed to provide me with all the love, hope and joy that i feel in this world. so much so that i understand why a woman who has all ready died twice now still recalls the stories of her love with a clarity that shone brightly against the dimness of her current life. and how i cherished being a part of it.. all of it... even as it breaks my heart.

sun sets

i drink wine with two older men from Iran. sitting at a small table along the street, drinking coffee, they stop me as i walk by. as happens most of the time. music blaring i never hear the words people shout at me but the eye contact, the flick of a hand, the movement of a body, that i always notice out of the corner of my eye. these two were pretty persistent so i stopped just as i passed them, turned around, took out an ear bud, and apologized for not having heard them. they were over joyed that i had chosen to pause! i could not help but laugh at their excitement. they offered for me to join them which i quickly refused. i was enjoying my walk in the sun! but, there was sun here, they argued. what did i want? coffee? ice cream? haha... how old did they think i was? water. i had been thirsty.. of course!! so, i sat down.

through dialogue i learned they thought i was between seventeen and twenty two. now that i reflect on that fact, i don't know if that should concern me or not. they were probably both in their sixties. but, it does not matter. who was i? what was i doing?! they wanted to know. i guess i must look interesting. i just laughed. a poet? a traveler? what did i know about life?! what were my beliefs in God?? who was i?! more of that laughter..

two glasses of wine and, what do i believe? i laugh. i disclose it's been a hell of a day and night. i share that i don't know what i think any more. Natural Cycles.. that's all i can come up with. a great answer, apparently. what do i plan to do with my life? where do i go next? i'm still deciding on those ones. i am so brave, and smart, apparently... i laugh again. brave, to be living like this, especially as a female. smart, to have worked to minimize my stresses and be open to the opportunities that come my way. gorgeous, for just being my self.

azul, a published author in Israel. shoja, a successful restaurant owner of 30 years, something i know to be no easy feat quite personally. they share with me that earlier that day they wandered the beach, complaining about their lonely lives, wondering why they were single and unhappy. and, now, they both share my company! such good fortune. so much they look up to me for living life as i do that they want to know my answers to their greatest questions. it puzzles me, as i share their finest choices in wine because i am from Napa and seem to know more about this as well.

who am i..?
definitely a question i'm determined to find out.

the sweet ness

this morning, before the sun a woke, i stirred with in my cabin to the sound of rain drops upon my roof. the beauty of this stillness in the quiet before dawn quickly settled my heart. for, only a few hours earlier, i had drifted toward a restless sleep that left me aching for answers i knew i had to be patient on. and, the anxiety that comes, from not knowing... well, that can be hard to ignore some times. so, this night, sleep did not come easy but it did eventually as here i was : waking, now.

and, in the solitude of my cabin i felt the dawn of hope as the water cleansed my heart. for, lately, i have tested the boundaries of promise and expectation and to say i survived is a triumph in it's self. i rode my hopes to the edge of my sanity and probably scared a few people through the process.. but it was something that had to be done. if for no other reason than to see if it could be i suppose. which is truly what this whole endeavor is about... for, i have dreams, a life time of dreams, that i have all ways believed to be possible to achieve. and, in the life that held me previously, i never had the chance to truly explore them. all ways i was locked down by a relationship or a lease or employment and the postponement of the things that truly mattered to me daily broke my heart. each night i laid in bed wishfully thinking about the day that i could wake and pursue all i dreamed of. and then i'd enter my dreamless sleep where i would only rejuvinate e nuff to handle the following day's expectations. and, this was the cycle i found my self in. the cycle that, truly, left me miserable. so, as hard as it was and, let me tell you, it was difficult... i cut the attachments, i said some difficult good byes, and i took the greatest leap of faith i have ever known in this life. my budget is low and my knowledge of the areas i venture in to is very scarce. typically when i enter a town i know no one and, truly, this is the test. will the universe provide me with the opportunity to meet success even when every obstacle, in most definition, is pillared against me? and, the answer? well, so far, it's been : Yes.

and, truth fully, that has surprised me. in fact, i think i've become addicted to testing out this fact because i honestly can not believe the result. but, every time i think i've hit the bottom, every time i believe i am lost and do not know where or how i will be picked up again, i only have to wait a short period of time before a choice person is found or an ideal situation is met.

to say this experience has restored my faith in humanity would be an understatement... last night i shared dinner with a new friend who complained that here, in America, if a person were to knock on a hundred doors they would be lucky if they were welcomed in and fed by one. in his opinion/belief, about twenty of those people would call the cops out of fear for their safety. he was angered because, in his experience, in other countries every home, every person, would do what they could to help without too many questions. the difference, to him, was the fact that in other countries people still recognize the fact of human suffering and will do whatever they can to help to eleviate it. he was very bitter that such would not be the case here.

i will admit that, a year ago, i too thought like this. in a lot of ways i have experienced the selfishness of others and have taken some hard falls as the result of it. but, through these experiences i have come to realize it is just the natural result from the way we live in this society. we have come to value so strongly the independence of one that we cherish it above all else, thus harming our brother in order to try and reach success our self. but, in truth, the only way any of us can succeed is by working together. in order to survive and, even more so, to thrive, we need community. the commitment to work together is what carries us over time because it is impossible for us to be on the top in every moment. just like the moon, we cycle, and there are periods of both waxing and waning in our life. in time we will experience periods of growth and negligence and the presence of an other is what allows us the opportunity for balance. other cultures that have held on to the tradition of small community still realize this fact in an unspoken manner but the more we, the American society, influence the rest of the world the less this occurence tends to take place. but, thankfully, that too is changing as people realize the isolation and degradation they experience in living this way.. which was my point all a long. as my new friend complained about this very fact he himself was providing me with a meal, without my having to even ask. which has been my experience all along.. every where i go i am offered kindness before i can even think to ask for it. and, i do not know what it is exactly for, trust me.. i all ways aim to identify it. my only conclusion can be that the reason is be cause i am awake. every where i go i have my eyes open, i look a round, and i exchange a smile with whoever happens to be looking back my way. and, this casual exchange of open ness and acceptance, brings forth : opportunity. for, in truth, we all hunger for the welcoming of our spirit, for the gesture that begs who we are to come forth and say "hello" with a smile. in my opinion and experience that's truly what community and life is all about and i am so happy to finally be living it, life, in this way.

many blessings to you on this day,
MI

two thousand and one.. and, one .

On this day, the 29th of October, I find my self at another cross roads, the truth of which seems to occur almost repeatedly these days. The choices between destiny and fate mirror themselves into oblivion and I catch my self falling between the pages. I have run from structure in an attempt to carve my own way but can not help but realize the synchronicity I fall in to the more I wander aimlessly. Every where I go the whisper of a perpetual cycle follows me.. no matter how fast or far I seem to run from it.

So now I exist here, in this.. blankness. Who I am changes from moment to moment because I have no attachment, No Thing to keep me steady... In this life it is the schedule that keeps us persistant. The regularly meeting with those who have known us, the restraint of a work schedule, the home ties to one specific place. These actualities keep us from creatively realizing our potential in every second. We are not free to explore our thoughts nor implement our actualizations. We must return, all ways, to some one or some thing at some time. Thus causing us to do no thing but repeat what we've done already.

So, this year, I have forced my self out of this cycle. I have walked away from every tie that has kept me steady and severed every link that would keep my daily schedule consistent. I never know where I will be or who I will be with for any given period of time. I never know who I will be or where I will be either, for that matter... To me, in some ways, this seems psychotic. In fact, in sharing these facts I expected to meet a lot of resistance but people find it refreshing to hear the stories of my days. It seems that every one lusts for this same freedom..

There are things I never know, many things in fact. Simple things even, like where I might wash my hair and go to the bath room. But, I always seem to find a way. In fact, all of my needs have been met spectacularly.. Every where I go I seem to meet a friendly person who can help me along my way. I'd say that's been the best bit..

Of course my intention is pure and I think that's a huge part of it. Every where I go I keep a smile on my face. I genuinely greet any person who looks or comes my way which has also been pleasantly welcomed. Aside from that I've also committed to being one hundred percent authentically My Self. I dress and look exactly how I feel and am honest about my thoughts and intentions. Another welcomed breath of fresh air I've been told to believe.

It's been fortunate, this exploration, however trying it is at times.. But I know that the only way I can truly live and be the way I want to is to have completely freed my self from all that I was formerly...
And so I have.
And so I have.