every where i look i see the vulchers circling.
i love them, in the sky, as they move to gether
searching for their sup per..
i know the feeling
but, right now, i am stationary.
re~evaluating life and all these decisions.
gearing up to finally take those actions.
things are, i think, looking up...
life...
the possibilities are endless.
it's just so easy, too easy, to give up on our selves.
it's no wonder when you consider how few of us are encouraged
encouraged to do and be the things that really mean any thing
it's no wonder we all feel lost and a lone
i travelled
up and down this coast
city to city i wrote
every one loved that i was 'an artist'
every one envied my flexibility and lack of responsibility
every one wanted to come with me
but, couldn't...
what is this life we've created?
where all of us lust after the one we do not have.
when does life become worth living, my friends?
today? yesterday? never?
might as well be...
that's what this year is,
the death of all we used to be
as we harness the power
of all we want
to shoot
forward
out of :
two thousand eleven
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
moonlit skies
sometimes the condition is to become unconditioned.
some times love is an equation
that doesn't have to be
solved
.
thank you and heart
some times love is an equation
that doesn't have to be
solved
.
thank you and heart
Sunday, November 6, 2011
possession~less
every day i discard something close to me. be it a prized possession or some thing i have narrowed down to be a necessity. for, living as a nomad, out of my car, well, i can carry very few things. and, daily, i seem to acquire some thing, at least, one thing, and, i must make room for it. so, i do... deliberately. i have to pay attention. i have to be critical about my elimination. but, the act, it makes me cherish every second. and, truly, this life.. well, it's the only way to live it.
so, all ways i am thankFUL, for the exchange of it.
the gratitude,
it's endless .
so, all ways i am thankFUL, for the exchange of it.
the gratitude,
it's endless .
Friday, November 4, 2011
middle ground
the wind shakes and the rain pours down upon me and my steel cage. another cold night alone in my car, paused between the stops along this free way, it's called. i drive the distance but still i feel the presence of every one i've met and every place i've gone. alone, yes, but, not...
i never sleep for more than an hour. or, at least, it's rare for me. so easily i slip in and out of consciousness. a constant dialogue this life is with my self.
i could find meaning in every thing, if i looked for it. or i could deem it meaningless, if i wanted it. so i skate between the two of them and carve me out of the ruin of it.
what am i comfortable with?
anal? facials? DP?
cream pies and corporate ties..
what about birth control?
No.
That's where i draw the line.
ironic...
definitely recommended in this business. there are a lot of options. pills. shots. rings.
i KNOW. i've tried them all.
he doesn't believe me.
a two year contract.
a waiver to use any or all of it in any and all ways.
No, Thank You.
a camera sits between the seedy hotel beds. a light turned on. ready for that : shot.
i think i'm going to leave..
stay. tequila? haha, no...
no rush to leave. the room's already paid for. let's stay and talk. it's my day too...
No.
you seemed so confident. out of every one i thought you for sure would be down.
ha ha ha ha ha .
i'm just here exploring options. it's funny what some one will agree to when they don't have many options. but, yes, i am going to go.
GO
every where i go people smile and ask me why i'm alone. how can a girl as beautiful as you be single? every one asks.. i laugh. i don't know... because i am? i shrug. i never stay in one place very long and no one comes with me. so, i guess that's it, really. destiny. or, something..
it's a beautiful morning! misty. how are you?
i smile.
good.. quite a storm last night, i say, as i continue walking.
yeah...
he continues to watch me.
hello! how are you?
he watches me too.
how can i help you?
the teller asks.
female.
i smile at her.
twenty on twenty eight.
thanks.
these are my days. skating between these social interactions that all ways attempt to tie me to this place, this space, where i have no intention of being.
the clouds are gorgeous. the sky a blue expanse that i chase with my head. lights a long the way. water? i am de hy drat ed .
options. choices. end less. expansive.
do and be what ever you want is what they all ways told me.
simplicity.
what's that?
shallow~ness.
how do i find it?
depth. that's all i know. why am i a lone?
because no one comes with me.
steps, sure.
dips, yes.
but full exposure. long exposure? No.
alone
alone
a lone
i am the wolf and the dragon. the snake and the farmer. the animal and the stone.
animated and in animate.
fucked.
take me in pieces because i'm too big to swallow whole.
all ways i will be a lone.
truly, it's the only thing i've ever known.
i never sleep for more than an hour. or, at least, it's rare for me. so easily i slip in and out of consciousness. a constant dialogue this life is with my self.
i could find meaning in every thing, if i looked for it. or i could deem it meaningless, if i wanted it. so i skate between the two of them and carve me out of the ruin of it.
what am i comfortable with?
anal? facials? DP?
cream pies and corporate ties..
what about birth control?
No.
That's where i draw the line.
ironic...
definitely recommended in this business. there are a lot of options. pills. shots. rings.
i KNOW. i've tried them all.
he doesn't believe me.
a two year contract.
a waiver to use any or all of it in any and all ways.
No, Thank You.
a camera sits between the seedy hotel beds. a light turned on. ready for that : shot.
i think i'm going to leave..
stay. tequila? haha, no...
no rush to leave. the room's already paid for. let's stay and talk. it's my day too...
No.
you seemed so confident. out of every one i thought you for sure would be down.
ha ha ha ha ha .
i'm just here exploring options. it's funny what some one will agree to when they don't have many options. but, yes, i am going to go.
GO
every where i go people smile and ask me why i'm alone. how can a girl as beautiful as you be single? every one asks.. i laugh. i don't know... because i am? i shrug. i never stay in one place very long and no one comes with me. so, i guess that's it, really. destiny. or, something..
it's a beautiful morning! misty. how are you?
i smile.
good.. quite a storm last night, i say, as i continue walking.
yeah...
he continues to watch me.
hello! how are you?
he watches me too.
how can i help you?
the teller asks.
female.
i smile at her.
twenty on twenty eight.
thanks.
these are my days. skating between these social interactions that all ways attempt to tie me to this place, this space, where i have no intention of being.
the clouds are gorgeous. the sky a blue expanse that i chase with my head. lights a long the way. water? i am de hy drat ed .
options. choices. end less. expansive.
do and be what ever you want is what they all ways told me.
simplicity.
what's that?
shallow~ness.
how do i find it?
depth. that's all i know. why am i a lone?
because no one comes with me.
steps, sure.
dips, yes.
but full exposure. long exposure? No.
alone
alone
a lone
i am the wolf and the dragon. the snake and the farmer. the animal and the stone.
animated and in animate.
fucked.
take me in pieces because i'm too big to swallow whole.
all ways i will be a lone.
truly, it's the only thing i've ever known.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
politics.. it all comes down to politics, he tells me. right down to where you go to the bath room... he is referring to prison but i see the correlation and add the same is true in dating. we joke, and laugh, about that awkward place where you try to read the other person before you fall too deep or, in his case, get the shit kicked out of you. and, well, to me.. it's all the same really...
he's twenty-three but he looks seventeen. i'm twenty-eight but he thinks i'm twenty. we laugh about that entirely. guess we're doing something right. funny because neither of us has come from an easy life. youth, that ellusive quality that so many pay thousands to achieve/mimic every year, that we can't seem to chase a way. and, we wish we could, because both of us are tired of people thinking we're young. both of us have scrapped for our survival for as far back as we can remember, never staying in one place for more than a year or two, learning and growing and simply trying to keep those heads above water. we laugh at it as we sit in the harbor.
eight fifty he tells me is the cost for his rent in the ghetto. not much, he feels, for his one bedroom apartment that he fears leaving at night. but, it's only a ten minute walk from the water, so it must be worth something. he struggles to make money while he hangs marketing flyers for large corporations, like Sears, he tells me. Sears.. i didn't even know that place still existed.
he gets to travel around all the major cities here, which he loves. meets a lot of interesting people from all over, like me.. i laugh because i have nothing to say to him. he asks me what i like to do for fun, three times even, and all i can come up with is walk, write and listen to music. he's the first person i've had an actual conversation with all day.. and, even then, it's trying.
i like to chat, he tells me. which also makes me laugh... for, in truth, it's him that's doing the talking. and, if i've realized any thing in this life, it's that all we really are is our projections. so often people tell me things like this as i listen quietly, understanding completely who they are and how they think while, truthfully, they know very little about me.
but, in truth, there is all so very little to me. i was honest when i said that for fun all i do is write and walk and listen to music. i have engaged in so much dialogue in this life that this morning i was tempted to take a vow of silence for years to come. but, i could never make money doing that, and money seems to be that thing we all need on this planet.
and, when did a world full of resource become a struggle for richness? who decided that one because it's fucking ridiculous. let's fight and kill over something we can walk out of a hut and grab.. yeah, that makes sense.
so, i contemplate doing porn, because if i let some guy cum on my face for thirty minutes i can make at least five hundred bucks. and, with a shower, it's all done. and, who am i to judge who gets off on what? i don't give a shit what any one thinks about me so i think : why the hell not?
and these are the reasons there are large amounts of us who turn to the hustle. this kid, he's been in prison twice now.. still got that cherry face tho so i guess it doesn't matter. he'll get me an eighth for thirty bucks if i want it. wont take any of it either! i pass on that one.
he tries to get smooth on the bench so i recommend we continue walking. he laughs at some point about the blade i have hanging from my pocket but it causes me to never have to defend my self. and, i'm pretty sure he knows that one.
i might not do too many things for fun these days and i may cherish my solitude a little too much but, every where i go, i have my head up and i look at these passers by straight in the eye. which, truthfully, is what got his attention. one of the only blacks in this area it stood out that i did and caused him to say hello and ask my name. assumes i have experience with 'the brotherhood' because i never coward away. i laugh. i told him if i've learned any thing in this life it's only to keep an open mind. he liked that one.
so, nickle and dime, spit and crime, who knows what will come of this one. i'm tired of society and our inflatted arrogance that leaves us empty and heart less. i sit in StarBucks to suck up this free internet as everyone works and laughs and socializes a round me in, yet another, wealthy city. and, who are we to be sitting on our asses? and, who am i to be writing about it? i'm just as guilty as the next party, i too painfully realize. what's the point of any of this, really, i can't help but ask my self repeatedly.
i came here on a mission to save the world and wonder if it's even worth saving now. are we so far down the rabbit hole that there's no turning back now? how could i ever hope to convince a majority that they don't need their pin stripe suits and leather shoes? i'll tell you some thing... the more i travel the more i do wonder if that is even possible..
in jux ta position, just the other night i dined in a home that is facing a foreclosure. they were lovely people, and i enjoyed their company and hospitality so very much, but i could not help but notice that room after room was filled with.. junk. junk that they had probably spent a fortune on, too. junk they would never sell or get rid of, either, even if it costs them their home. and, this is the opposite problem in our society... the hoarding that comes after years of deprivation.. just another piece to this puzzle.
some times i wish i could turn the brilliance off. i understand why so many are drug addicts. this morning i contemplated how easy it would be to pop a pill for all this anger and confusion i feel. then i could be a good minion and work my soul a way. and, may be that's the hard truth i'm facing.. that truly, the human life now is no thing more than a commodity and success comes to those who are the highest bidders. and, all i can say is : fuck that life.
so, may be i will let some stranger cum on my face for that cash. it sure would be handy.. and, besides, i never liked being pretty any way.
later, babes.
MI
he's twenty-three but he looks seventeen. i'm twenty-eight but he thinks i'm twenty. we laugh about that entirely. guess we're doing something right. funny because neither of us has come from an easy life. youth, that ellusive quality that so many pay thousands to achieve/mimic every year, that we can't seem to chase a way. and, we wish we could, because both of us are tired of people thinking we're young. both of us have scrapped for our survival for as far back as we can remember, never staying in one place for more than a year or two, learning and growing and simply trying to keep those heads above water. we laugh at it as we sit in the harbor.
eight fifty he tells me is the cost for his rent in the ghetto. not much, he feels, for his one bedroom apartment that he fears leaving at night. but, it's only a ten minute walk from the water, so it must be worth something. he struggles to make money while he hangs marketing flyers for large corporations, like Sears, he tells me. Sears.. i didn't even know that place still existed.
he gets to travel around all the major cities here, which he loves. meets a lot of interesting people from all over, like me.. i laugh because i have nothing to say to him. he asks me what i like to do for fun, three times even, and all i can come up with is walk, write and listen to music. he's the first person i've had an actual conversation with all day.. and, even then, it's trying.
i like to chat, he tells me. which also makes me laugh... for, in truth, it's him that's doing the talking. and, if i've realized any thing in this life, it's that all we really are is our projections. so often people tell me things like this as i listen quietly, understanding completely who they are and how they think while, truthfully, they know very little about me.
but, in truth, there is all so very little to me. i was honest when i said that for fun all i do is write and walk and listen to music. i have engaged in so much dialogue in this life that this morning i was tempted to take a vow of silence for years to come. but, i could never make money doing that, and money seems to be that thing we all need on this planet.
and, when did a world full of resource become a struggle for richness? who decided that one because it's fucking ridiculous. let's fight and kill over something we can walk out of a hut and grab.. yeah, that makes sense.
so, i contemplate doing porn, because if i let some guy cum on my face for thirty minutes i can make at least five hundred bucks. and, with a shower, it's all done. and, who am i to judge who gets off on what? i don't give a shit what any one thinks about me so i think : why the hell not?
and these are the reasons there are large amounts of us who turn to the hustle. this kid, he's been in prison twice now.. still got that cherry face tho so i guess it doesn't matter. he'll get me an eighth for thirty bucks if i want it. wont take any of it either! i pass on that one.
he tries to get smooth on the bench so i recommend we continue walking. he laughs at some point about the blade i have hanging from my pocket but it causes me to never have to defend my self. and, i'm pretty sure he knows that one.
i might not do too many things for fun these days and i may cherish my solitude a little too much but, every where i go, i have my head up and i look at these passers by straight in the eye. which, truthfully, is what got his attention. one of the only blacks in this area it stood out that i did and caused him to say hello and ask my name. assumes i have experience with 'the brotherhood' because i never coward away. i laugh. i told him if i've learned any thing in this life it's only to keep an open mind. he liked that one.
so, nickle and dime, spit and crime, who knows what will come of this one. i'm tired of society and our inflatted arrogance that leaves us empty and heart less. i sit in StarBucks to suck up this free internet as everyone works and laughs and socializes a round me in, yet another, wealthy city. and, who are we to be sitting on our asses? and, who am i to be writing about it? i'm just as guilty as the next party, i too painfully realize. what's the point of any of this, really, i can't help but ask my self repeatedly.
i came here on a mission to save the world and wonder if it's even worth saving now. are we so far down the rabbit hole that there's no turning back now? how could i ever hope to convince a majority that they don't need their pin stripe suits and leather shoes? i'll tell you some thing... the more i travel the more i do wonder if that is even possible..
in jux ta position, just the other night i dined in a home that is facing a foreclosure. they were lovely people, and i enjoyed their company and hospitality so very much, but i could not help but notice that room after room was filled with.. junk. junk that they had probably spent a fortune on, too. junk they would never sell or get rid of, either, even if it costs them their home. and, this is the opposite problem in our society... the hoarding that comes after years of deprivation.. just another piece to this puzzle.
some times i wish i could turn the brilliance off. i understand why so many are drug addicts. this morning i contemplated how easy it would be to pop a pill for all this anger and confusion i feel. then i could be a good minion and work my soul a way. and, may be that's the hard truth i'm facing.. that truly, the human life now is no thing more than a commodity and success comes to those who are the highest bidders. and, all i can say is : fuck that life.
so, may be i will let some stranger cum on my face for that cash. it sure would be handy.. and, besides, i never liked being pretty any way.
later, babes.
MI
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
a life full of promise
in these constant questions i ask my self, about life, about love, about endurance and commitment and truth there are few things that stay constant. especially the more i test my self.. but, in theory and practice, i continue to scratch the surface until i find enlightenment or the end. so, if i die, well... my love to all of you.
i have so many options of where i can go and who i can be. if i have learned any thing in this world it is that i can do and be any thing. and, i have done and been a lot of things as any one who knows me can stand testament. out of boredom i have to change pretty regularly ~ it's truly the only thing that can keep me sane in this world. i'm not sure if it's the chicken or the egg.. if i am constantly changing due to the fact that inconsistency is all i have ever known or if i am inconsistent because life is always changing. i definitely feel crazy and isolated as every one continues on their cycles and schedules around me, of that i am certain...
i know that my life experience has allowed me to be in a very unique situation and, my personality, well.. that has allowed me the ability to cope and articulate it i suppose. every where i go i meet people who want to hear the wisdom of a life lived to the bone. i've cut my self so close that the stark whiteness is blinding to most but, it brings them forward, like a moth. and here i sit with an audience.
i never liked attention. not ever.. but, every where i go, i get it. young and old, human and animal... there is an unavoidable attraction. for years and years i coward from it. i eat emotionally to gain weight to deter people from looking at me because men are inappropriate and women are mean, but even that didn't matter. i was almost two hundred pounds, fucking sick and ridiculous really, and still the attention came at me.
i have dressed frumpily. i have refused to wear makeup. i don't pluck my eyebrows and, half the time, my clothes are dirty. lately, i've been lucky to shower once a week and i brush my teeth in a corporate bathroom once a day. and still, every where i go, the looks keep coming. if i have my ear phones off, which is rare these days.., the words soon follow. and, it is exhausting... some times someone just needs to be alone. thank goodness for my car.
i love everyone and maybe that's the problem. i am ever present, maybe that's the problem.. who knows really... but, it's made me realize one thing that i have known for my entire life, i am supposed to do something in this spot light.
these words i have spent the majority of my life perfecting, well, i know they are a part. i have the first book complete and there are more to come. i know, in time, i will also be performing them but now is not yet the time..
i know the way i see the world and human nature also has a point. as most of you know, i've been a wellness life coach this year, and, still, i am working towards that non~profit. so many people i meet, every day if i want to, who can help me on these paths all over this state. so many people ready to come together if they only had a way...
so, i wander these paths, searching for one. for, i can only conclude that my level of nonattachment in this world is for a reason that i must utilize. it is very rare for a person to be outside the ties that holds them to one place, day after day after day. and, it is this cycle exactly that destroys us, day after day after day. and, i see it, on the faces of so many people that i meet. and, the liberation, they see it when they look back at me. and, i guess that's the exchange really that brings every one up to me. it's like i know a secret every one wants to be in on. but, the secret, it's not an easy one and it leaves me night after night after night A LONE.
and how many people can handle that?
few. very very few.
so i can only conclude that that is my purpose.
this whittling that i am doing, in my life, in this life, it is purpose full. i am determined to find a solution, a new way to living this life. one that creates harmony and community and perpetuates fulfillment rather than greed and waste. there is a way but it goes out side the way we do every thing now ... and that's where i am standing.
if i make it, i will carry us to the promised land.
and, if i don't, well please know i did it all out of love.
MI
i have so many options of where i can go and who i can be. if i have learned any thing in this world it is that i can do and be any thing. and, i have done and been a lot of things as any one who knows me can stand testament. out of boredom i have to change pretty regularly ~ it's truly the only thing that can keep me sane in this world. i'm not sure if it's the chicken or the egg.. if i am constantly changing due to the fact that inconsistency is all i have ever known or if i am inconsistent because life is always changing. i definitely feel crazy and isolated as every one continues on their cycles and schedules around me, of that i am certain...
i know that my life experience has allowed me to be in a very unique situation and, my personality, well.. that has allowed me the ability to cope and articulate it i suppose. every where i go i meet people who want to hear the wisdom of a life lived to the bone. i've cut my self so close that the stark whiteness is blinding to most but, it brings them forward, like a moth. and here i sit with an audience.
i never liked attention. not ever.. but, every where i go, i get it. young and old, human and animal... there is an unavoidable attraction. for years and years i coward from it. i eat emotionally to gain weight to deter people from looking at me because men are inappropriate and women are mean, but even that didn't matter. i was almost two hundred pounds, fucking sick and ridiculous really, and still the attention came at me.
i have dressed frumpily. i have refused to wear makeup. i don't pluck my eyebrows and, half the time, my clothes are dirty. lately, i've been lucky to shower once a week and i brush my teeth in a corporate bathroom once a day. and still, every where i go, the looks keep coming. if i have my ear phones off, which is rare these days.., the words soon follow. and, it is exhausting... some times someone just needs to be alone. thank goodness for my car.
i love everyone and maybe that's the problem. i am ever present, maybe that's the problem.. who knows really... but, it's made me realize one thing that i have known for my entire life, i am supposed to do something in this spot light.
these words i have spent the majority of my life perfecting, well, i know they are a part. i have the first book complete and there are more to come. i know, in time, i will also be performing them but now is not yet the time..
i know the way i see the world and human nature also has a point. as most of you know, i've been a wellness life coach this year, and, still, i am working towards that non~profit. so many people i meet, every day if i want to, who can help me on these paths all over this state. so many people ready to come together if they only had a way...
so, i wander these paths, searching for one. for, i can only conclude that my level of nonattachment in this world is for a reason that i must utilize. it is very rare for a person to be outside the ties that holds them to one place, day after day after day. and, it is this cycle exactly that destroys us, day after day after day. and, i see it, on the faces of so many people that i meet. and, the liberation, they see it when they look back at me. and, i guess that's the exchange really that brings every one up to me. it's like i know a secret every one wants to be in on. but, the secret, it's not an easy one and it leaves me night after night after night A LONE.
and how many people can handle that?
few. very very few.
so i can only conclude that that is my purpose.
this whittling that i am doing, in my life, in this life, it is purpose full. i am determined to find a solution, a new way to living this life. one that creates harmony and community and perpetuates fulfillment rather than greed and waste. there is a way but it goes out side the way we do every thing now ... and that's where i am standing.
if i make it, i will carry us to the promised land.
and, if i don't, well please know i did it all out of love.
MI
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
dementia
she tells me stories of love and how it breaks my heart for, now , she and he are alone. and, i can not help but see the parallel in my own life, as i swallow the truth that this is how it must be for me to carry on.
her story takes us to space which takes my breath away.. a painter, beautiful smudges of colorful floral that i love, accented by her vibrantly dyed red hair, pale skin and stark blue eyes. we follow the halls as she points out her work but i noticed it all all ready. this is a space that contains my heart even if she doesn't realize it.
she must be only sixty but her health is poor and the on~set of alzheimer's causes her to repeat her self. for this reason i can not tell which parts to her stories are fact or fiction but, being a weaver my self, it matters not i suppose. and so we wander.. through her rooms, through her rose garden. every thing perfect in it's place where the loneliness can only echo loudly. but i walk, slowly, quietly, with a smile for i know the honor of her sharing this place. and, i love her in that moment for taking me to that space.
she tells me of her husband who left now, long ago, but who she still loves so much it is unbareable for her to see him now. but, still they do, when he's in California, even though it breaks her heart. in her story he is an Aeronautical Engineer that has saved the world a couple of times now. thanked privately by a sobbing president for having navigated a spacecraft back in that could have potentially devastated the Earth. i do not know which is real or fairy tale but i still love the sharing. she tells me how her husband, the ex now, when he first flew up.. how he saw the most brilliant rainbow with the most unique and spectacular shade of red that he wished he'd been able to show her for, as a painter, he knew how she'd love it. and, the smile on her face, well, i hoped that had been so.
she and her friend, a neighbor, had come up to me in StarBucks yesterday as i wrote at a table. intrigued, they created casual conversation and invited me to dinner that night. being halloween, i had no plans, so i joined them for pizza. it was a lovely night that helped me better understand the heart of an older female. having been close with many, particularly of the grandmother variety, i've glimpsed it many times. but here, to night, i saw it best in this light. may be for the fact of how closely it resembled my current life where i too am alone.. life is definitely funny, and that's not a joke...
almost my entire life i have been alone. when i take those moments where i felt truly, one hundred percent, ecstatically connected with another being and put them together in one ball.. well, compared to the totality of my life it really amounts to nothing at all. but, those moments, no matter how rare in number they are or seemingly insignifcant they can seem to be together they have managed to provide me with all the love, hope and joy that i feel in this world. so much so that i understand why a woman who has all ready died twice now still recalls the stories of her love with a clarity that shone brightly against the dimness of her current life. and how i cherished being a part of it.. all of it... even as it breaks my heart.
her story takes us to space which takes my breath away.. a painter, beautiful smudges of colorful floral that i love, accented by her vibrantly dyed red hair, pale skin and stark blue eyes. we follow the halls as she points out her work but i noticed it all all ready. this is a space that contains my heart even if she doesn't realize it.
she must be only sixty but her health is poor and the on~set of alzheimer's causes her to repeat her self. for this reason i can not tell which parts to her stories are fact or fiction but, being a weaver my self, it matters not i suppose. and so we wander.. through her rooms, through her rose garden. every thing perfect in it's place where the loneliness can only echo loudly. but i walk, slowly, quietly, with a smile for i know the honor of her sharing this place. and, i love her in that moment for taking me to that space.
she tells me of her husband who left now, long ago, but who she still loves so much it is unbareable for her to see him now. but, still they do, when he's in California, even though it breaks her heart. in her story he is an Aeronautical Engineer that has saved the world a couple of times now. thanked privately by a sobbing president for having navigated a spacecraft back in that could have potentially devastated the Earth. i do not know which is real or fairy tale but i still love the sharing. she tells me how her husband, the ex now, when he first flew up.. how he saw the most brilliant rainbow with the most unique and spectacular shade of red that he wished he'd been able to show her for, as a painter, he knew how she'd love it. and, the smile on her face, well, i hoped that had been so.
she and her friend, a neighbor, had come up to me in StarBucks yesterday as i wrote at a table. intrigued, they created casual conversation and invited me to dinner that night. being halloween, i had no plans, so i joined them for pizza. it was a lovely night that helped me better understand the heart of an older female. having been close with many, particularly of the grandmother variety, i've glimpsed it many times. but here, to night, i saw it best in this light. may be for the fact of how closely it resembled my current life where i too am alone.. life is definitely funny, and that's not a joke...
almost my entire life i have been alone. when i take those moments where i felt truly, one hundred percent, ecstatically connected with another being and put them together in one ball.. well, compared to the totality of my life it really amounts to nothing at all. but, those moments, no matter how rare in number they are or seemingly insignifcant they can seem to be together they have managed to provide me with all the love, hope and joy that i feel in this world. so much so that i understand why a woman who has all ready died twice now still recalls the stories of her love with a clarity that shone brightly against the dimness of her current life. and how i cherished being a part of it.. all of it... even as it breaks my heart.
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