i drink wine with two older men from Iran. sitting at a small table along the street, drinking coffee, they stop me as i walk by. as happens most of the time. music blaring i never hear the words people shout at me but the eye contact, the flick of a hand, the movement of a body, that i always notice out of the corner of my eye. these two were pretty persistent so i stopped just as i passed them, turned around, took out an ear bud, and apologized for not having heard them. they were over joyed that i had chosen to pause! i could not help but laugh at their excitement. they offered for me to join them which i quickly refused. i was enjoying my walk in the sun! but, there was sun here, they argued. what did i want? coffee? ice cream? haha... how old did they think i was? water. i had been thirsty.. of course!! so, i sat down.
through dialogue i learned they thought i was between seventeen and twenty two. now that i reflect on that fact, i don't know if that should concern me or not. they were probably both in their sixties. but, it does not matter. who was i? what was i doing?! they wanted to know. i guess i must look interesting. i just laughed. a poet? a traveler? what did i know about life?! what were my beliefs in God?? who was i?! more of that laughter..
two glasses of wine and, what do i believe? i laugh. i disclose it's been a hell of a day and night. i share that i don't know what i think any more. Natural Cycles.. that's all i can come up with. a great answer, apparently. what do i plan to do with my life? where do i go next? i'm still deciding on those ones. i am so brave, and smart, apparently... i laugh again. brave, to be living like this, especially as a female. smart, to have worked to minimize my stresses and be open to the opportunities that come my way. gorgeous, for just being my self.
azul, a published author in Israel. shoja, a successful restaurant owner of 30 years, something i know to be no easy feat quite personally. they share with me that earlier that day they wandered the beach, complaining about their lonely lives, wondering why they were single and unhappy. and, now, they both share my company! such good fortune. so much they look up to me for living life as i do that they want to know my answers to their greatest questions. it puzzles me, as i share their finest choices in wine because i am from Napa and seem to know more about this as well.
who am i..?
definitely a question i'm determined to find out.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
the sweet ness
this morning, before the sun a woke, i stirred with in my cabin to the sound of rain drops upon my roof. the beauty of this stillness in the quiet before dawn quickly settled my heart. for, only a few hours earlier, i had drifted toward a restless sleep that left me aching for answers i knew i had to be patient on. and, the anxiety that comes, from not knowing... well, that can be hard to ignore some times. so, this night, sleep did not come easy but it did eventually as here i was : waking, now.
and, in the solitude of my cabin i felt the dawn of hope as the water cleansed my heart. for, lately, i have tested the boundaries of promise and expectation and to say i survived is a triumph in it's self. i rode my hopes to the edge of my sanity and probably scared a few people through the process.. but it was something that had to be done. if for no other reason than to see if it could be i suppose. which is truly what this whole endeavor is about... for, i have dreams, a life time of dreams, that i have all ways believed to be possible to achieve. and, in the life that held me previously, i never had the chance to truly explore them. all ways i was locked down by a relationship or a lease or employment and the postponement of the things that truly mattered to me daily broke my heart. each night i laid in bed wishfully thinking about the day that i could wake and pursue all i dreamed of. and then i'd enter my dreamless sleep where i would only rejuvinate e nuff to handle the following day's expectations. and, this was the cycle i found my self in. the cycle that, truly, left me miserable. so, as hard as it was and, let me tell you, it was difficult... i cut the attachments, i said some difficult good byes, and i took the greatest leap of faith i have ever known in this life. my budget is low and my knowledge of the areas i venture in to is very scarce. typically when i enter a town i know no one and, truly, this is the test. will the universe provide me with the opportunity to meet success even when every obstacle, in most definition, is pillared against me? and, the answer? well, so far, it's been : Yes.
and, truth fully, that has surprised me. in fact, i think i've become addicted to testing out this fact because i honestly can not believe the result. but, every time i think i've hit the bottom, every time i believe i am lost and do not know where or how i will be picked up again, i only have to wait a short period of time before a choice person is found or an ideal situation is met.
to say this experience has restored my faith in humanity would be an understatement... last night i shared dinner with a new friend who complained that here, in America, if a person were to knock on a hundred doors they would be lucky if they were welcomed in and fed by one. in his opinion/belief, about twenty of those people would call the cops out of fear for their safety. he was angered because, in his experience, in other countries every home, every person, would do what they could to help without too many questions. the difference, to him, was the fact that in other countries people still recognize the fact of human suffering and will do whatever they can to help to eleviate it. he was very bitter that such would not be the case here.
i will admit that, a year ago, i too thought like this. in a lot of ways i have experienced the selfishness of others and have taken some hard falls as the result of it. but, through these experiences i have come to realize it is just the natural result from the way we live in this society. we have come to value so strongly the independence of one that we cherish it above all else, thus harming our brother in order to try and reach success our self. but, in truth, the only way any of us can succeed is by working together. in order to survive and, even more so, to thrive, we need community. the commitment to work together is what carries us over time because it is impossible for us to be on the top in every moment. just like the moon, we cycle, and there are periods of both waxing and waning in our life. in time we will experience periods of growth and negligence and the presence of an other is what allows us the opportunity for balance. other cultures that have held on to the tradition of small community still realize this fact in an unspoken manner but the more we, the American society, influence the rest of the world the less this occurence tends to take place. but, thankfully, that too is changing as people realize the isolation and degradation they experience in living this way.. which was my point all a long. as my new friend complained about this very fact he himself was providing me with a meal, without my having to even ask. which has been my experience all along.. every where i go i am offered kindness before i can even think to ask for it. and, i do not know what it is exactly for, trust me.. i all ways aim to identify it. my only conclusion can be that the reason is be cause i am awake. every where i go i have my eyes open, i look a round, and i exchange a smile with whoever happens to be looking back my way. and, this casual exchange of open ness and acceptance, brings forth : opportunity. for, in truth, we all hunger for the welcoming of our spirit, for the gesture that begs who we are to come forth and say "hello" with a smile. in my opinion and experience that's truly what community and life is all about and i am so happy to finally be living it, life, in this way.
many blessings to you on this day,
MI
and, in the solitude of my cabin i felt the dawn of hope as the water cleansed my heart. for, lately, i have tested the boundaries of promise and expectation and to say i survived is a triumph in it's self. i rode my hopes to the edge of my sanity and probably scared a few people through the process.. but it was something that had to be done. if for no other reason than to see if it could be i suppose. which is truly what this whole endeavor is about... for, i have dreams, a life time of dreams, that i have all ways believed to be possible to achieve. and, in the life that held me previously, i never had the chance to truly explore them. all ways i was locked down by a relationship or a lease or employment and the postponement of the things that truly mattered to me daily broke my heart. each night i laid in bed wishfully thinking about the day that i could wake and pursue all i dreamed of. and then i'd enter my dreamless sleep where i would only rejuvinate e nuff to handle the following day's expectations. and, this was the cycle i found my self in. the cycle that, truly, left me miserable. so, as hard as it was and, let me tell you, it was difficult... i cut the attachments, i said some difficult good byes, and i took the greatest leap of faith i have ever known in this life. my budget is low and my knowledge of the areas i venture in to is very scarce. typically when i enter a town i know no one and, truly, this is the test. will the universe provide me with the opportunity to meet success even when every obstacle, in most definition, is pillared against me? and, the answer? well, so far, it's been : Yes.
and, truth fully, that has surprised me. in fact, i think i've become addicted to testing out this fact because i honestly can not believe the result. but, every time i think i've hit the bottom, every time i believe i am lost and do not know where or how i will be picked up again, i only have to wait a short period of time before a choice person is found or an ideal situation is met.
to say this experience has restored my faith in humanity would be an understatement... last night i shared dinner with a new friend who complained that here, in America, if a person were to knock on a hundred doors they would be lucky if they were welcomed in and fed by one. in his opinion/belief, about twenty of those people would call the cops out of fear for their safety. he was angered because, in his experience, in other countries every home, every person, would do what they could to help without too many questions. the difference, to him, was the fact that in other countries people still recognize the fact of human suffering and will do whatever they can to help to eleviate it. he was very bitter that such would not be the case here.
i will admit that, a year ago, i too thought like this. in a lot of ways i have experienced the selfishness of others and have taken some hard falls as the result of it. but, through these experiences i have come to realize it is just the natural result from the way we live in this society. we have come to value so strongly the independence of one that we cherish it above all else, thus harming our brother in order to try and reach success our self. but, in truth, the only way any of us can succeed is by working together. in order to survive and, even more so, to thrive, we need community. the commitment to work together is what carries us over time because it is impossible for us to be on the top in every moment. just like the moon, we cycle, and there are periods of both waxing and waning in our life. in time we will experience periods of growth and negligence and the presence of an other is what allows us the opportunity for balance. other cultures that have held on to the tradition of small community still realize this fact in an unspoken manner but the more we, the American society, influence the rest of the world the less this occurence tends to take place. but, thankfully, that too is changing as people realize the isolation and degradation they experience in living this way.. which was my point all a long. as my new friend complained about this very fact he himself was providing me with a meal, without my having to even ask. which has been my experience all along.. every where i go i am offered kindness before i can even think to ask for it. and, i do not know what it is exactly for, trust me.. i all ways aim to identify it. my only conclusion can be that the reason is be cause i am awake. every where i go i have my eyes open, i look a round, and i exchange a smile with whoever happens to be looking back my way. and, this casual exchange of open ness and acceptance, brings forth : opportunity. for, in truth, we all hunger for the welcoming of our spirit, for the gesture that begs who we are to come forth and say "hello" with a smile. in my opinion and experience that's truly what community and life is all about and i am so happy to finally be living it, life, in this way.
many blessings to you on this day,
MI
Saturday, October 29, 2011
two thousand and one.. and, one .
On this day, the 29th of October, I find my self at another cross roads, the truth of which seems to occur almost repeatedly these days. The choices between destiny and fate mirror themselves into oblivion and I catch my self falling between the pages. I have run from structure in an attempt to carve my own way but can not help but realize the synchronicity I fall in to the more I wander aimlessly. Every where I go the whisper of a perpetual cycle follows me.. no matter how fast or far I seem to run from it.
So now I exist here, in this.. blankness. Who I am changes from moment to moment because I have no attachment, No Thing to keep me steady... In this life it is the schedule that keeps us persistant. The regularly meeting with those who have known us, the restraint of a work schedule, the home ties to one specific place. These actualities keep us from creatively realizing our potential in every second. We are not free to explore our thoughts nor implement our actualizations. We must return, all ways, to some one or some thing at some time. Thus causing us to do no thing but repeat what we've done already.
So, this year, I have forced my self out of this cycle. I have walked away from every tie that has kept me steady and severed every link that would keep my daily schedule consistent. I never know where I will be or who I will be with for any given period of time. I never know who I will be or where I will be either, for that matter... To me, in some ways, this seems psychotic. In fact, in sharing these facts I expected to meet a lot of resistance but people find it refreshing to hear the stories of my days. It seems that every one lusts for this same freedom..
There are things I never know, many things in fact. Simple things even, like where I might wash my hair and go to the bath room. But, I always seem to find a way. In fact, all of my needs have been met spectacularly.. Every where I go I seem to meet a friendly person who can help me along my way. I'd say that's been the best bit..
Of course my intention is pure and I think that's a huge part of it. Every where I go I keep a smile on my face. I genuinely greet any person who looks or comes my way which has also been pleasantly welcomed. Aside from that I've also committed to being one hundred percent authentically My Self. I dress and look exactly how I feel and am honest about my thoughts and intentions. Another welcomed breath of fresh air I've been told to believe.
It's been fortunate, this exploration, however trying it is at times.. But I know that the only way I can truly live and be the way I want to is to have completely freed my self from all that I was formerly...
And so I have.
And so I have.
So now I exist here, in this.. blankness. Who I am changes from moment to moment because I have no attachment, No Thing to keep me steady... In this life it is the schedule that keeps us persistant. The regularly meeting with those who have known us, the restraint of a work schedule, the home ties to one specific place. These actualities keep us from creatively realizing our potential in every second. We are not free to explore our thoughts nor implement our actualizations. We must return, all ways, to some one or some thing at some time. Thus causing us to do no thing but repeat what we've done already.
So, this year, I have forced my self out of this cycle. I have walked away from every tie that has kept me steady and severed every link that would keep my daily schedule consistent. I never know where I will be or who I will be with for any given period of time. I never know who I will be or where I will be either, for that matter... To me, in some ways, this seems psychotic. In fact, in sharing these facts I expected to meet a lot of resistance but people find it refreshing to hear the stories of my days. It seems that every one lusts for this same freedom..
There are things I never know, many things in fact. Simple things even, like where I might wash my hair and go to the bath room. But, I always seem to find a way. In fact, all of my needs have been met spectacularly.. Every where I go I seem to meet a friendly person who can help me along my way. I'd say that's been the best bit..
Of course my intention is pure and I think that's a huge part of it. Every where I go I keep a smile on my face. I genuinely greet any person who looks or comes my way which has also been pleasantly welcomed. Aside from that I've also committed to being one hundred percent authentically My Self. I dress and look exactly how I feel and am honest about my thoughts and intentions. Another welcomed breath of fresh air I've been told to believe.
It's been fortunate, this exploration, however trying it is at times.. But I know that the only way I can truly live and be the way I want to is to have completely freed my self from all that I was formerly...
And so I have.
And so I have.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)